[Surferdude]

 ·
Tools Explained

1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching Flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and Hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit!'

3. SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short or electrical cords a smaller length. Name does not necessarily imply the intellect of the operator.

4. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
Of blood-blisters.

5. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

6. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable Motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

7. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

8. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the Grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

9. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

10. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

11. BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

12. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect as you lift the motor out.

13. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

14. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

15. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

16. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

17. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

18. UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well On contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes or appendages, but only while in use.

19. SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need

[tw2005]

Last two weekends I had a chest of SOBs working on the Front End

[CraigB]

Nothing mentioned about the Tool that lives next door

[neptune]

I can go with most of that....the one that gets me the most is the hacksaw...... you are cutting away and then it jams.... not able to move it backwards  or forwards and then try a wiggle it out

[Shambles]

I keep these tool-related topics bookmarked, for reference

Tools and Their Uses
Tools Explained
Tools - And Their Usage

[Surferdude]

Yeah. But over a year.
Always worth a revisit.

[Aussie Elapid]

·
Tools Explained

1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching Flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and Hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit!'

3. SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short or electrical cords a smaller length. Name does not necessarily imply the intellect of the operator.

4. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
Of blood-blisters.

5. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

6. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable Motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

7. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

8. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the Grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

9. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

10. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

11. BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

12. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect as you lift the motor out.

13. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

14. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

15. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

16. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

17. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

18. UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well On contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes or appendages, but only while in use.

19. SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need

Amen

Sent from my SM-G925I using Tapatalk

[mickd]

    👍

[nzenigma]

9. TABLE SAW: FACT....A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch a ply base for a cabinet draw being  thoughtlessly trimmed by idiot with the blade set too high.
Ply Frisbee slices idiot's arm open. Idiot jumps in ute and heads for hospital leaving dog in charge. Dog so pi$$ed about missing ride downtown, he rips open a carton of large screws and spreads them across driveway and waits for more action when stitched idiot returns. 

[John B]

9. TABLE SAW: FACT....A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch a ply base for a cabinet draw being  thoughtlessly trimmed by idiot with the blade set too high.
Ply Frisbee slices idiot's arm open. Idiot jumps in ute and heads for hospital leaving dog in charge. Dog so pi$$ed about missing ride downtown, he rips open a carton of large screws and spreads them across driveway and waits for more action when stitched idiot returns. 

Cracked me up reading that but not funny at the time. Hope all is healed up now and all screws accounted for before getting a puncture.

[John B]

Pull cord : Pull cord attached to a piece of machinery called a lawn mower to enable it to start. Pulled to start said machinery by idiot too near an open shed door, rear of arm sliced open. No stitches' but a box of band aids and a bar of soap for the mouth plus apologies to the neighbours.   

[Surferdude]

Well!

This escalated quickly. 

[John B]

Well!

This escalated quickly. 

I am not surprised it is a subject near to every handy ( and not so handy ) mens hearts. More to come I reckon.  Oooh I do like a good laugh. 

[nzenigma]

 
What idiot would admit to doing such things, especially to wife. 

[nzenigma]

9. TABLE SAW: FACT....A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch a ply base for a cabinet draw being  thoughtlessly trimmed by idiot with the blade set too high.
Ply Frisbee slices idiot's arm open. Idiot jumps in ute and heads for hospital leaving dog in charge. Dog so pi$$ed about missing ride downtown, he rips open a carton of large screws and spreads them across driveway and waits for more action when stitched idiot returns. 

Cracked me up reading that but not funny at the time. Hope all is healed up now and all screws accounted for before getting a puncture.

Still have a large scar, looks like a serious suicide attempt. Thinking back, he actually brought two boxes out of the shed and set up payback. I drove over them and, somehow missed a puncture , then noticed all the torn cardboard.

[mickd]

9. TABLE SAW: FACT....A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch a ply base for a cabinet draw being  thoughtlessly trimmed by idiot with the blade set too high.
Ply Frisbee slices idiot's arm open. Idiot jumps in ute and heads for hospital leaving dog in charge. Dog so pi$$ed about missing ride downtown, he rips open a carton of large screws and spreads them across driveway and waits for more action when stitched idiot returns. 

Cracked me up reading that but not funny at the time. Hope all is healed up now and all screws accounted for before getting a puncture.

Still have a large scar, looks like a serious suicide attempt. Thinking back, he actually brought two boxes out of the shed and set up payback. I drove over them and, somehow missed a puncture , then noticed all the torn cardboard.

 
Can't say much myself,
 Anita says "there's a little bit of me in every project ".   

[John B]

Brilliant Mick. 

[Dazzler]

Utility Knife: Item used by 13 year old boy at school to slice open fleshy part of thumb when cutting balsa wood for school project. Yours truly still has the scar to remind him to be careful with these nasty flesh eating mongrels.... It did have a bit of a "happy ending" Two girls he fancied at the time showed much concern when he presented at the next class they were in with his hand bandaged profusely. He ended up dating both of them later on.. (not at the same time.)   

[Surferdude]

Ah yes. The dreaded utility /Stanley knife trick.
Been there done that. More than once. 😥😫

[John B]

Utility Knife: Item used by 13 year old boy at school to slice open fleshy part of thumb when cutting balsa wood for school project. Yours truly still has the scar to remind him to be careful with these nasty flesh eating mongrels.... It did have a bit of a "happy ending" Two girls he fancied at the time showed much concern when he presented at the next class they were in with his hand bandaged profusely. He ended up dating both of them later on.. (not at the same time.) 

I am surprised at the lengths and sacrifices you go to Dazz to meet girls. 

[mickd]

Utility Knife: Item used by 13 year old boy at school to slice open fleshy part of thumb when cutting balsa wood for school project. Yours truly still has the scar to remind him to be careful with these nasty flesh eating mongrels.... It did have a bit of a "happy ending" Two girls he fancied at the time showed much concern when he presented at the next class they were in with his hand bandaged profusely. He ended up dating both of them later on.. (not at the same time.) 

I am surprised at the lengths and sacrifices you go to Dazz to meet girls. 

Lucky that didn't become habit forming Dazz,  we'd be calling you "thumbs" by now  .
👍👍

[Dazzler]

I guessed there was thumbthing about me they liked! 

That was when I still had hair...