[AlanHo]

I don't know about you guys - but I like to get away from domestic routine from time to time - wander down to the local village pub and have a couple of quiet beers with the regulars there.

We talk about old times, our families, footie, warm beer, the bloody government, illegal immigrants, the credit crunch and all sorts of other things. We have solved many a World crisis with our collective wisdom.

It occurs to me that this lively forum lacks a quiet retreat - where members can drop in for a virtual beer and a chat - tell a joke or two. Somewhere to get out of the house for a while and relax in convivial surroundings with your mates. Up to now the only place where we virtually get together in virtual surroundings is when we are cast into the virtual Hall of Shame. Ugly Mongrel is an OK guy - but it would be nice to spend time with some others.

So I have raided the grandkids virtual piggy banks and used the virtual money to open this virtual pub - where you are invited to spend some time and engage in friendly banter.

I am hoping to keep it as a quiet retreat where you can get a pie and a pint - but unless there is great demand, slot machines, juke boxes and TV's on all the walls are a no no. If you want your mates to see a video or hear music - then paste the url so they can watch it on their smart phones so it doesn't disturb the whole bar.

We have a pub cat to keep any mice at bay and my dog likes to spend time lying in front of the log fire. The dog is friendly - but can be a bit too friendly at times when he takes a fancy to a customer and starts leg humping. The secret is to ignore him and to not let the shaking spill your beer.

We have a couple of nice barmaids to look after your needs and we stock a wide range of virtual beers - including real ales - for your delectation. The highest strength ale is called Tates, it has such a high alcohol level that it causes temporary memory loss. You are advised not to drink this unless you have someone with you to guide you home. It is said that "he who has a Tates is lost" - you have been warned. 

The tables are kept clean, the beer is chilled, the chairs are comfy and we have i30 logos on our beer mats. What more could you want?

So the pub is open and I look forward to welcoming our first customer...............           

[rustynutz]

I'll have a scotch & coke, kind sir....

[Surferdude]

Bundy Rum and Coke please.
With a Sarsparilla chaser.

Did you hear the one about the surfer who walks into a bar?

[kittikat]

I'll only keep the mice at bay if I get a nice basket to sleep in.   

[Doggie 1]

Do you serve a nice Margaret River red there as well? I hope so - it sounds very inviting. 
As for the barmaids who are their to cater for our needs, I say count me in (if you'll have me  )
Do I need to get dressed first?
Now, what are we going to talk about? 

[AlanHo]

The "Big Brother" mentality which has reached our village might sponsor some banter.

Our local policeman came in to advise me that the sign on our back gate "Beware of the Dog" is now against the law.

I told him that I would therefore alter the sign to read "Beware of the Canary".

He gave me a puzzled look and said "I can't see the point of that – what on earth can a canary do"

"Whistle for our savage Pit Bull dog" was my retort.


Meanwhile the dog was lying in front of the fire with one eye on the intruding representative of the arm of the law - I know what the dog was thinking - is it worth rousing myself to go hump the "leg of the law"

[Doggie 1]

Is it a pig dog? 

[AlanHo]

What's a pig dog?  Does it oink instead of bark? Or is it so laid back that it boars you?............

[Doggie 1]

What's a pig dog?  Does it oink instead of bark? Or is it so laid back that it boars you?............

pig dog (plural pig dogs)

    (Australian, New Zealand) A dog bred to hunt wild pigs and boars, typically based on breeds such as Staffordshire Terrier and English Bull Terrier (source wiki)



Or one of these.....

[AlanHo]

Our Pit Bull is similar to your pig dog. They are now illegal in the UK after numerous attacks on people and the deaths of a few children. However - the gangs here still breed them and flout the law, using them as a gang status symbol and as a weapon. 5 police were hospitalised last week when they went to arrest someone at his home and finished up shooting the dog dead.

The lower image you posted is a dog we call an Alsatian - or German Shepherd.

Our pub dog isn't actually a Pit Bull - but is a well trained labrador - but with a slightly randy streak. I might have to get him doctored if he puts people off coming to the pub with his amorous tendencies.  If so we will have to change his name from "Bruce"  to "Tomorrow"......

[Doggie 1]

Our Pit Bull is similar to your pig dog. They are now illegal in the UK after numerous attacks on people and the deaths of a few children. However - the gangs here still breed them and flout the law, using them as a gang status symbol and as a weapon. 5 police were hospitalised last week when they went to arrest someone at his home and finished up shooting the dog dead.

The lower image you posted is a dog we call an Alsatian - or German Shepherd.

Our pub dog isn't actually a Pit Bull - but is a well trained labrador - but with a slightly randy streak. I might have to get him doctored if he puts people off coming to the pub with his amorous tendencies.  If so we will have to change his name from "Bruce"  to "Tomorrow"......

Pig dogs are legal in W.A. but American Pitbulls are not, for the reasons you have outlined above.
During my time in the Force I had occasion once to attend a job where two similar dogs had viciously attacked an old Italian lady who was feeding her chooks in the back yard.
When we arrived, they attacked us too, forcing us to have to shoot them or be further attacked. I did not enjoy doing that but it was necessary.
Our police dogs here are German Shepherds (Alsation is not a term recognised here, although some people still use it). The registered breed is German Shepherd.
Your dog sounds a bit like you Alan  .

[eye30]

We have a couple of nice barmaids to look after your needs and we stock a wide range of virtual beers - including real ales - for your delectation.

Sounds just like my local I visit every Saturday night.....

Cheers AlanHo and I'll have a virtual pint of John Smith's and a packet of scratchings..

[Phil №❶]

Nice to see the bar's filling rapidly, I'll have a Coopers Pale Ale & some beer nuts please. 

[rustynutz]

Any counter meals in this joint?
I'm getting a bit peckish.......

[Doggie 1]

Any counter meals in this joint?
I'm getting a bit peckish.......

Probably only an English pork pie and mushy peas 

[rustynutz]

 

[AlanHo]

After the Great Beer Festival, some of the brewery bosses popped into our pub to sample a typical country inn.

The Mexican President of Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." Our barmaid dusted off a bottle from the shelf and gave it to him.

The Australian Boss of Fosters says " Sheila - I'd like the best beer ever to come out of Australia, give me a nice cold Fosters." Our barmaid gave him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Bank's Brewery in the Black Country UK sits down and says, "Give me a lemonade."

Our barman was a little taken aback, but gave him what he ordered.

The other brewery bosses looked over at him and asked "Why aren't you drinking Bank's famous bitter?"

The Banks' boss replied, "Well, I figured that if all you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

[bumpkin]

Can I start off with a Depth Charge please kind sir?

[eye30]

beer nuts

Are these peanut sold for beer drinkers in mind i.e. loads of salt on them to make them drink more...

[eye30]

Can I start off with a Depth Charge please kind sir?

What beer do you prefer kind sir with the tequila

[Surferdude]

When does the pole dancing display start?

[bumpkin]

Can I start off with a Depth Charge please kind sir?

What beer do you prefer kind sir with the tequila

A nice cold Stella, and swap the Tequila for a Grouse please!

[Ugly Mongrel]

Do you need more bar staff?

[Phil №❶]

beer nuts

Are these peanut sold for beer drinkers in mind i.e. loads of salt on them to make them drink more...

Yes, in more exclusive pub's they're in a dish on the counter for all to consume, heavily salted, roasted, hasps still on & quite tasty, you just can't stop, especially with beer. Quite unhygenic really with all those communal fingers, but I trust you guys. 

[Phil №❶]

Do you need more bar staff?

That link took me to my home page UM, I wouldn't satisfy your requirements I'm afraid.   

[AlanHo]

Do you need more bar staff?

I do indeed need an extra barman because of the increase in customers we are getting. However, anyone thinking of applying for the barman vacancy should note that I now only employ married men - singles are disqualified.  This is because I prefer employees who are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut, and don't pout when I yell at them.

[Phil №❶]

Oh dear, I was going to apply, but can't handle number 4, sorry. 

[Surferdude]

Oh dear, I was going to apply, but can't handle number 4, sorry. 

Calling Dazz. We need a "Pout" smiley please.

[Phil №❶]

 

[Doggie 1]

When does the pole dancing display start?

Does Alan do that too?