[eye30]

Well I've turned up looking for peace and quite and to reflect on todays sporting results.

Everton lost 2-1 to Liverpool and my horse just lost by a nose or was it a boggie in the Grand National.

Ended up with a 2nd and 3rd so not a bad result.  But the winnings don't cover my outlay as I bet on 4 horses and the other 2 fell.

So here I am all on my own sipping on my pint.......

Anyone for a game of darts....

[Phil №❶]

 

[AlanHo]

We've just had a couple of lawyers in the bar who ordered a drink each.

They then produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat them.

I was well miffed about this - so I marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The lawyers glanced up at me, shrugged their shoulders, looked at each other and then exchanged sandwiches.

[Dazzler]

 

[Ugly Mongrel]

Alan, please find below the last "lawyer removal" tool.
You are welcome to borrow it for a short time to trial it's effectiveness on smart arse lawyers.

 

[Doggie 1]

  That made an impact.

[Ugly Mongrel]

Anyone for a game of darts....

No, but I know a bloke who will give you a game of turtle tossing.

[FatBoy]

Anyone for a game of darts....

Only if you don't make me hold the board again.  I'm still recovering from last time.

[Dazzler]

Anyone for a game of darts....

Only if you don't make me hold the board again.  I'm still recovering from last time.

I did that once .. felt a bit of a prick 

[Doggie 1]

That was a bit pointed. 

[AlanHo]

A blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a vicar, a priest, a rabbi, two giraffes and a duck, a farmer, a lawyer, an accountant, a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinaman, an Irishman, an Englishman, a Polish guy, and a Scotsman walked into our bar.

the barmaid took one look and said, "Hang on a minute, is this some sort of joke?"

[Doggie 1]

 

[AlanHo]

This guy came into the bar, ogled our barmaid, then ordered a double martini on the rocks.

After he finished his drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, winked at the barmaid and ordered a second one.

After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket, smiled at her and ordered yet another double martini.

The barmaid was curious and said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replied, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look as good as you, then I know it's time to go home."

[Ugly Mongrel]

A blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a vicar, a priest, a rabbi, two giraffes and a duck, a farmer, a lawyer, an accountant, a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinaman, an Irishman, an Englishman, a Polish guy, and a Scotsman walked into our bar.

the barmaid took one look and said, "Hang on a minute, is this some sort of joke?"

Obviously it was not not a joke Alan. You need to offer your staff better training in "Responsible Joke Identification".

It it were meant to be a joke there would have been a Texan, an Aussie, a Kiwi, a South African, a grasshopper named Harvey, a polar bear (big pause!!) and a horse (you know, long face).

 

[AlanHo]

You need to offer your staff better training in "Responsible Joke Identification".

It it were meant to be a joke there would have been a Texan, an Aussie, a Kiwi, a South African, a grasshopper named Harvey, a polar bear (big pause!!) and a horse (you know, long face).

You are of course quite right - I have spent far too much time recently on road testing cars and too little time on the barmaid.

I intend hiring John Cleese to teach her the basics of good cutomer relations as he so adequately demonstrated when he ran a hotel.

[Ugly Mongrel]

You need to offer your staff better training in "Responsible Joke Identification".

It it were meant to be a joke there would have been a Texan, an Aussie, a Kiwi, a South African, a grasshopper named Harvey, a polar bear (big pause!!) and a horse (you know, long face).

You are of course quite right - I have spent far too much time recently on road testing cars and too little time on the barmaid.

I intend hiring John Cleese to teach her the basics of good cutomer relations as he so adequately demonstrated when he ran a hotel.

Perhaps John Cleese could bring Manuel. He could spend "time on the barmaid" to free you up for more importance managerial duties.

[Doggie 1]

I have spent far too much time recently on road testing cars and too little time on the barmaid.

 

[AlanHo]

This old chap with a face as long as his name sat in the bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression.

I asked him, "What's the matter? "

The poor old chap said, "I had a big fight with 'er indoors and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."

I said, "That should make you happy."

He replied, "You gotta be kidding, the month is up today!"

[Doggie 1]

 

[Ugly Mongrel]

While having a pint at the H&D today, a party of blind people arrived. They asked Alan if they can play football in the car park.

Alan replied, "Sure, but how will you see the ball?"

One of the blind blokes replied, "It's OK, the ball has a bell in it, that’s how we know where the ball is!"

"OK" says Alan "but mind the i30s in the carpark"

About half an hour later a man runs into the pub shouting.

Alan calms him down and asks what the problem is, "There's a load of blind people on the village green kicking shit out of the Morris Dancers!"

[Doggie 1]

 
It's a long time since I saw Morris Dancers.
I remember them coming through the village when I was a kid (or child, as I was in England  )

[Ugly Mongrel]

It's a long time since I saw Morris Dancers.
I remember them coming through the village when I was a kid (or child, as I was in England  )

I bet you never saw them getting kicked by blind soccer players.

[eye30]

"There's a load of blind people on the village green kicking shit out of the Morris Dancers!"

I used to morris dance but I had to gave it up as I kept sliding off the bonnet....

I then took up tap dancing but I had to gave that up because I kept falling in the sink     

[AlanHo]

"There's a load of blind people on the village green kicking shit out of the Morris Dancers!"

I used to morris dance but I had to gave it up as I kept sliding off the bonnet....

I then took up tap dancing but I had to gave that up because I kept falling in the sink     

What's your ballroom dancing like?...............

[rustynutz]

Painful......

[eye30]

"There's a load of blind people on the village green kicking shit out of the Morris Dancers!"

I used to morris dance but I had to gave it up as I kept sliding off the bonnet....

I then took up tap dancing but I had to gave that up because I kept falling in the sink     

What's your ballroom dancing like?...............

1-2-3---4
2-3-4---1
3-4-1---2
4-1-2---3

[Ugly Mongrel]

I see Alan has decided not to monkey around with his security. Finally, a female bouncer I can talk to

[rustynutz]

Are you sure that's not you, UM?

I reckon I can see the resemblance.......

A pair of sunnies and a hat and we wouldn't be able to tell you apart....

[Ugly Mongrel]

Are you sure that's not you, UM?

I reckon I can see the resemblance.......

A pair of sunnies and a hat and we wouldn't be able to tell you apart....

Geezusss, rustynutz, you've blown my cover.

[AlanHo]

I was in the bar at lunchtime when an old fellow came in for his usual tipple.

Instead of his regular grumbles he asked if he could have something to eat. He said he fancied beans on toast and was really hungry so I organised the kitchen to serve him two cans of beans and two slices of toast which he wolfed down happily and left.

A short time later a policeman came in and said that an old fellow who had just been in the pub had collapsed and died.

I said, "That's rather sudden, he was full of beans when he left here!"