[AlanHo]

I should make clear to all members that the law stops me from banning cross dressers like UM from the Tavern -

Who is up for the door job so they can bar the undesirables?

I trust that you will advise the doorman to treat me as an exception even though he is stopping all the other undesirables...............otherwise you aint gonna get no beer.............

[Phil №❶]

db08, knows how to handle "undesirables" 

[AlanHo]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walked into the bar. They all suffered from a severe stutter.

"What's it to be?" asked our barmaid.

"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi.................." says the Englishman.

Up steps the Irishman. "Threeee p pints of of of of gui gui gui gui................."

Then the Scotsman tries."Th th th thth th th th th th th th th th.................."

"Oh blow this!" says the barmaid and walks away to serve someone else.

She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.

"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", stutters the Englishman.

"Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries Paddy.

And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th ththth...........".

"Look" says the barmaid, who loves a bet, "If any one of you can answer a question without stuttering I'll let you take me to bed!"
 
Quite confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman. "Where do you live?"

"M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch."

"No. You lose." says the barmaid. Turning to the Scotsman, she asks, "Where do you live Scotty?", trying not to laugh.

"E E E E EEd Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edinb."

"Sorry, you lose." says she.

"And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman.

"London" blurts out the Irishman.

"Oh. bugga!" says the barmaid. A great cheer goes up in the pub and she reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs.

Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra exposing a voluptuous bosom. Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed.
Paddy with concentration climbs aboard and goes for glory, and then, right at the climax, he suddenly screams out

"...............- D D D D D Derry!!"

[rustynutz]

Of you go, Alan....

https://www.i30ownersclub.com/forum/index.php?topic=9926.msg113458#msg113458

[Ugly Mongrel]

Warning to moderators!! If you throw the landlord in the HOS, there will be riot by the Tavern patrons!!!!

On second thoughts, there will also be free beer. HOS him now, I'm as dry as a dead dingo's donger.

[AlanHo]

Oh well - that's stuffed that idea - I was hoping to keep the Tavern going for a while to exchange pub tales - I have quite a few.

The good die young.....................

[Doggie 1]

Can you do a video link-up from the HOS perhaps?

[Shambles]

Unhossed

[AlanHo]

Unhossed

Thank you Steve - that was in the nick of time.

One of my barmaids said "Because so few will visit us in the HOS and buy beer - you might as well close this place up anyway and open a brothel instead."

"What good would that do?" I replied, "If we can't get them in to drink beer, how we gonna get them to drink broth?"

[AlanHo]

I am confused and still trying to work out a puzzle caused by the barmaid when she booked three guests into the B&B rooms the other evening for three nights.

She told them we had only one room available - a large one which they could share - the room rate being £ 150 for the three nights.

The guests agreed to jointly use the room and each gave the barmaid £50 as their share of the £150.

Some time later I appeared and told her that she had over-charged the guests - there was a discount applicable to more than one night’s booking - the correct rate being £ 50 for one night and £130 for three nights. She therefore went up to the room with £20 change for the guests.

It so happened that she decided to pocket £5 for herself and give only £15 to the guests. It would make it easier for them too, she decided, because it isn’t easy to share four £5 notes between three people.

The puzzle is this……………
Each guest paid £50 but got £5 back - so their outlay was £45 each….. or £135 collectively.
The barmaid kept £ 5
We can thus account for only £140 of the £150 - what has happened to the missing £10 ?.

[Doggie 1]

It's not missing.
They paid 150 but should have paid 130. In fact, they paid 135 following the refund of 15.
135 - 5 (that she kept) = 130.
They paid 5 too much 
(We don't have the pound symbol on down-under computer keyboards).

[rustynutz]

(We don't have the pound symbol on down-under computer keyboards).

Here's a spare one I had lying around, Dave.... £
Oh, and Scuba, how much did Alan slip you under the counter? 

[Doggie 1]

(We don't have the pound symbol on down-under computer keyboards).

Here's a spare one I had lying around, Dave.... £
Oh, and Scuba, how much did Alan slip you under the counter? 

When did you last update your computer? 

[Surferdude]

(We don't have the pound symbol on down-under computer keyboards).

Here's a spare one I had lying around, Dave.... £
Oh, and Scuba, how much did Alan slip you under the counter? 

When did you last update your computer? 

Hot key???

[FatBoy]

Just stumbled across this pub.

Can I please have a real ale, either a London Pride or a Spitfire please.  I'll just stand by the fire and sip my... don't even think about it, Pooch!!!

[Doggie 1]

Just stumbled across this pub.

Can I please have a real ale, either a London Pride or a Spitfire please.  I'll just stand by the fire and sip my... don't even think about it, Pooch!!!

I've found that if you give him a sip of your beverage (he's not fussy) he doesn't become amorous with your leg. It's all he wants.
It makes him a bit wobbly by the end of the night mind you, by which time he tends to become amorous again with pub stool legs. 

[Surferdude]

Just stumbled across this pub.

Can I please have a real ale, either a London Pride or a Spitfire please.  I'll just stand by the fire and sip my... don't even think about it, Pooch!!!

And I'll have a stubby of Alexander Keith's India Pale Ale please.
While I watch the dog and Fatboy - who needs pole dancing?

[Shambles]

Nowt but the best for me

[Doggie 1]

Nowt but the best for me

Nice name.
Is there a barmaids finger too?

[rustynutz]

Nowt but the best for me

I've heard about the Bishop and his finger....

[Doggie 1]

Nowt but the best for me

I've heard about the Bishop and his finger....

.....said the barmaid 

[rustynutz]

Oh, wasn't it the altar boy?   

[rustynutz]

(We don't have the pound symbol on down-under computer keyboards).

Here's a spare one I had lying around, Dave.... £
Oh, and Scuba, how much did Alan slip you under the counter? 

When did you last update your computer? 

Hot key???

Cut & Paste.....   

[eye30]

Nowt but the best for me

I've heard about the Bishop and his finger....

.....said the barmaid 

and the nun with her dirty habit

[Surferdude]

(We don't have the pound symbol on down-under computer keyboards).

Here's a spare one I had lying around, Dave.... £
Oh, and Scuba, how much did Alan slip you under the counter? 

When did you last update your computer? 

Hot key???

Cut & Paste.....   

I sort of figured that but couldn't resist the reference to that other topic.

[AlanHo]

A well dressed and rather snooty lady came into the bar and ordered a pink gin.

Ever the one to make polite conversation, the barmaid remarked that she had not seen the lady here before and asked “where do you come from”

The lady stuck her nose in the air like she's checking for a bad smell, and replied, "Where I come from, we don't end our sentences with a preposition."

The barmaid smiled and said, "Fine. Where do you come from bitch!"

[rustynutz]

I sort of figured that but couldn't resist the reference to that other topic.

And I figured you were referencing that......

By the way, there is another more complicated way to do it if there's no pound symbol handy to cut & paste.....
Add "English (United Kingdom)" to the keyboard settings and when you need the pound symbol, go to the  language bar (normally situated on your taskbar) and change to the UK settings.
Hopefully by then holding "Shift" and then hitting the "3" key, you'll now have the pound symbol.... 

[Doggie 1]

It's quicker to write GBP.

[Shambles]

It's quicker to write GBP.

or ALT 0163 (hold the ALT key (on Windows) then type 0163 on the number pad)

[rustynutz]

I was gonna suggest that one too but my laptop doesn't have a number pad so couldn't confirm it works on the forum.