[eye30]

^^^
Groan.

Safe from HOS as you can't HOS a joke in H&D Tavern otherwise the whole thread goes, doesn't it.

Must remember to put naff jokes in here   

[Surferdude]

^^^
Groan.

Safe from HOS as you can't HOS a joke in H&D Tavern otherwise the whole thread goes, doesn't it.

Must remember to put naff jokes in here   

Wow. That's the first thing where the other forum I'm on has something this doesn't. On that one I can "Move Posts".  I guess you could split the topic and move a post that way.
But, hey. It's not a bad thing to revisit old jokes anyway. That's what happens in a pub, right? Especially as the night goes on.

[Shambles]

... the other forum I'm on has something this doesn't. On that one I can "Move Posts" ...

I can take a hint

[AlanHo]

Three guys were in the bar – well the worse for drink - and having a bragging contest.

The Italian said, "When I've a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats a 6 inches abov'a da bed in ecstasy."

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."

The Hells Angel said "That's nothing buddy. When I've finished doin it to my ol lady I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my dongle on the curtains. She hits the freaking roof!!!"

[Phil №❶]

 

[Ugly Mongrel]

I think you'll find the Hell's Angel was an Aussie

[rustynutz]

I think you'll find the Hell's Angel was an Aussie

Nah, Yank.....

[Surferdude]

... the other forum I'm on has something this doesn't. On that one I can "Move Posts" ...

I can take a hint

 
Nah mate. It was a genuine compliment. This site should be used as  a "how to" training aid for budding (and existing) forum administrators.

[Shambles]

I can take a hint

Nah mate. It was a genuine compliment.

I meant I'll try and code a function in to allow it to happen, then we can be as good as your other forum

[Surferdude]

I can take a hint

Nah mate. It was a genuine compliment.

I meant I'll try and code a function in to allow it to happen, then we can be as good as your other forum

Thanks Steve.
Only a minor refinement in th eoverall scheme of things.

[Ugly Mongrel]

I sat next to strange bloke in the H&D the other day.

As I sat down, out of the blue he said  "I was married three times and I'll never marry again. My first two wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my last wife died of a fractured skull."

"That's a terrible shame." I said, trying to console him, "How did it happen?"

"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!" he replied.

[Dazzler]

Another good one Terry 

 

[Ugly Mongrel]

I've got trouble with the wife again - she came into the High & Dry looking for me and I asked for her number.

[Phil №❶]

 

[Ugly Mongrel]

It was a very quiet night a t the High and Dry.

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar (apart from me) and asks if he could buy him a drink.

'Why, of course,' comes the reply.

The first man then asks, 'Where are you from?'

'I'm from Ireland,' replies the second man.

The first man responded, 'You don't say. I'm from Ireland too. Let's have another round to Ireland.'

'Of course,' replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks, 'Where in Ireland are you from?'

'Dublin,' comes the reply.

'I can't believe it,' says the first man, 'I'm from Dublin too. Let's have another drink to Dublin.'

'Of course,' replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, 'What school did you go to?' '

St Mary's,' replies the second man, 'I graduated in 1962.'

'Dat's unbelievable,' the first man says. 'I went to St Mary's and I graduated in 1962 too'

By this time, I was curious too. 'What the hell is going on here?' I asked Alan.

'Oh, nothing much,' replies Alan. 'The O'Malley twins are drunk again.'

[Doggie 1]

 

[Ugly Mongrel]

Geezzz, it's been quite in here lately!!!

I popped in for a pint on the way home the other day and lo and behold, Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods were having a few brews together.

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Tiger replies, "Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing, but I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger asks, somewhat unbelievably, "You play golf?"

Stevie replies, "Oh hell yes, I've been playing for years."

Still not believing, Tiger asks, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and I play the ball toward his voice."

"But how do you putt?" asks Tiger.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Tiger, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Tiger thinks about it and says, ""Okay, I'm game for that. When would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick any night you like."

[Doggie 1]

Sounds like a level playing field to me 

[Ugly Mongrel]

Earlier this evening, just after Stevie and Tiger left to play a round of golf, in walks this bloke and he's got two wooden legs, the kind that pirates wear.

So Alan's bartender comes over and says, "Can I help you get to the bar?"

"No thanks sonny. I lost both legs in the Falklands and I've been using these ever since, I'm as good on these as I am on real legs."

And he props himself up at the bar and spends the evening drinking. Towards the end of the evening he calls Alan's bartender over and asks where the toilet is.

"It's an outhouse out in the yard" says the bartender. "Look, it's dark, muddy and there's all kinds of rubbish out there. I'll come with you and make sure you're all right."

"No need, sonny. I told you, I'm as good on these as I am on real legs."

He disappears outside and is gone for ages. When he eventually reappears, he's covered in mud and crap, he's bleeding and all his clothes are torn.

"See!" says Alan's bartender. "I knew I should have come with you! You fell, didn't you?"

"Naw..." says the old soldier, 'I'm sitting there doing my business and I hear a voice saying, "Who the hell left that wheelbarrow there?' and I got dragged right across the bloody courtyard..."

[Doggie 1]

  Wheely funny.

[Dazzler]

  &   

[Doggie 1]

After the old soldier got cleaned up and his wooden legs shaved, these two really attractive, bubbly blondes came crashing through the front door.
You know the type, made up to the hilt, low-cut tops, short, short skirts, CFM boots, etc.
They came up to the bar, sat down, and ordered drinks. They were making quite a lot of noise and were very happy and pleased with themselves and it was obvious to Alan's bartender that they were celebrating something big.
His curiosity finally got the better of him and he wandered over and said, "I hate to be nosy, but it's obvious that you two are celebrating something big. What's the occasion?"
"One blonde replies "Well, we are just sooo proud of ourselves, because we just finished, just the two of us alone all by ourselves with no one else, a 50 piece jigsaw puzzle in only 3 days."
Confused, the bartender says "So what's so special about that?"
The other blonde said , "Derrrr, on the box it says 3 - 5 years."

[Ugly Mongrel]

After the old soldier got cleaned up and his wooden legs shaved, these two really attractive, bubbly blondes came crashing through the front door.
You know the type, made up to the hilt, low-cut tops, short, short skirts, CFM boots, etc.
They came up to the bar, sat down, and ordered drinks. They were making quite a lot of noise and were very happy and pleased with themselves and it was obvious to Alan's bartender that they were celebrating something big.
His curiosity finally got the better of him and he wandered over and said, "I hate to be nosy, but it's obvious that you two are celebrating something big. What's the occasion?"
"One blonde replies "Well, we are just sooo proud of ourselves, because we just finished, just the two of us alone all by ourselves with no one else, a 50 piece jigsaw puzzle in only 3 days."
Confused, the bartender says "So what's so special about that?"
The other blonde said , "Derrrr, on the box it says 3 - 5 years."

Dave, with what you and I have seen going on in the High and Dry lately, it looks like Alan doesn't pop in too often to check things out.

[Doggie 1]

No, he's been away in the highlands on holiday but it's about time he dropped in so we can buy him a beer or a glass of red and fill him in, so to speak. 

[Ugly Mongrel]

No, he's been away in the highlands on holiday but it's about time he dropped in so we can buy him a beer or a glass of red and fill him in, so to speak. 

Right!!!! I'll get the beers, YOU fill Alan in.

[Doggie 1]

 

[Ugly Mongrel]

And, NO, I won't do a tag team.

[Doggie 1]

You really have changed in recent times, haven't you...

[Ugly Mongrel]

You really have changed in recent times, haven't you...

You said you wouldn't tell anyone.

[Ugly Mongrel]

Can you believe this?

 Three vampires walked into the High and Dry.

The bartender asks the first one "What'll ya have"?

The first vampire says: "I vant some bluud".

Disgusted, the bartender looks at the next vampire and says, "What about you"?

The second vampire says "I vant some bluud".

Ready to throw them all out, the bartender looks at the third vampire and says: "I suppose you want blood too"?

The third vampire says: "No, I'll just have plasma...bluud lite"