We have had Tommy Cooper jokes before so some of them might be a repeat. But as they are just ace ...................................
1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
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> > > 2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
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> > > 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
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> > > 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
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> > > 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
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> > > 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
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> > > 7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
> > > The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
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> > > 8. I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a muscle.
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> > > 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
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> > > 10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
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> > > 11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
> > > Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
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> > > 12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
> > > 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
> > > 'Is it common?'
> > > 'It's not unusual....'
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> > > 13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
> > > 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him.'
> > > So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
> > > 'No, because he's really heavy.'
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> > > 14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
> > > 'How's that?'
> > > 'Don't you start.'
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> > > 15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
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> > > 16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
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> > > 17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
> > > I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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> > > 18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so one of them must be Chinese.... . it's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. ... but I think it's Colin.
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> > > 19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat b&st&rd!'
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> > > 20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
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> > > 21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
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> > > 22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.'
> > > The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'
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> > > 23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
