OK. Not everyone here will remember Rod Serling's TV series
The Twilight Zone, but then not many here would've been standing next to me at Queen Victoria's funeral. But that's by-the-by.
Twilight Zone was a massively successful sci/fantasy/thriller/weird-stuff show where Strange Things happened as day-to-day existence inexplicably shifted off-kilter. The original series debuted in 1959 in the US and ran until 1964. But now, in 2012, it's back. In a place called Darlington, England. And at a Hyundai dealership that may, just possibly, not exist. . .
(Warning: i30 owners of a nervous disposition should look away now.) It began on a cold and windy morning on Valentine's Day, Tuesday, February 14, 2012 -- a typical English winter, where the sky is the same colour as the roads and you really do not want to be out and about unless necessary. That previous weekend, Mrs F and I decided we'd look around for a Hyundai i30 Estate (CW) to replace our existing car, at that time coming up to its 5th birthday. We went to
Auto Trader online to see what might be available and found a one-owner low mileage 2011 i30 CW 1.6 CRDi Premium in light blue at a Hyundai franchise. The advertisement had a link to the dealer site so we then browsed there for more details: pictures, location, phone number, etc. It all looked pretty darn good, except for one thing: it was in Darlington.
We've never been to Darlington. It may possibly be the jewel in England's tourism crown but it's on the opposite side of the country to us and almost 80 miles distant across some wild wide open landscapes roamed by feral sheep. We decided to check out our local dealership first, because not every franchise-backed car gets advertised on Auto Trader. But Monday's visit yielded nothing, so on Tuesday morning at 10.15am I telephoned the Darlington dealership:
S G Petch Darlington Hyundai.
I asked the switchboard for Hyundai sales and was put through to a sales guy called Scott. I asked Scott to confirm that the car was indeed still for sale, be no point otherwise in me driving all that way. He asked me if I had the registration number of the car. I had; I'd saved a copy of the car's photograph from the SG Petch website.
Scott was very good. Was only off the phone a minute or so to check before returning to say yes, it's still here. Did I wish to come look at it? Yup, I said. OK, said Scott, let me take some details first. Will you be looking to do a PX? Yup. Give me your existing car's details and reg number now then, Scott said, so I'm up to speed before you arrive. I gave Scott the details. And our full name and address. And phone number.
Scott was happy with that; there was just one further point that needed clarifying: if I bought the car today, would it be a PX plus cash, or did I need finance? If the latter, then could I please bring additional IDs to prove who I was and where I lived and the registration document of the car to be traded in. Sorry for any hassle, Scott said, but it's the finance company, not SG Petch, that needs to have all this stuff. I said, no probl;em, if I did decide to do a deal, I wouldn't need finance.
Right, Scott said. It's 10.30am now. When are you thinking of coming over? I said Mrs F and I would be there at 12.30pm. We hoped we weren't inconveniencing him, it being his lunch time and all. No, no trouble, Scott said. We're here to serve at SG Petch. The car will be ready and waiting for you, we can go out and have a test run, see what you think of it, it's an excellent buy.
So. . . Away we went. A long and tedious cross-country drive to Darlington and the SG Petch Hyundai Darlington dealership. There were probably better ways of spending St Valentine's Day but we weren't planning to fall in love with Scott so romance really didn't enter into any of this.
Mrs F and I finally walked into the showroom at a few minutes before 12.30pm, as per the arrangement made with Scott a mere two hours earlier. A member of the sales staff, sitting at a desk near the showroom entrance, asked, could he help us? We said, we've come about the blue 2011 Hyundai i30 Premium estate you have for sale.
He looked puzzled. "Do we?"
Yes, we said. We discussed it with Scott earlier this morning. Scott said it was here and would be ready and waiting for us at 12.30pm.
"Er. . . who is Scott?"
Scott, we said. You know. Scott. In your sales team. SCOTT. We spoke to him a couple of hours ago.
"Are you sure?"
Yes we're sure, we spoke to him and he took our names and address and phone number and
lots of details about us AND about our car and said he'd be here at 12.30pm to meet us. Scott.
HE WORKS HERE.A long pause. 'And you are Mr and Mrs. . . .????'
We gave him our names. He gave us his: Peter. Nice man. He also gave us two cups of coffee. He then went off to check. And eventually returned with the following revelations:
1) No-one at SG Petch Hyundai Darlington had ever heard of us, so:
2) No-one at SG Petch Hyundai Darlington was expecting us; and:
3) There was no blue 2011 Hyundai i30 Premium estate car for sale at SG Petch Hyundai Darlington; and:
4) There was no salesperson by the name of Scott employed by SG Petch Hyundai Darlington.
Long pause. . .
'But,' I said eventually, 'I spoke to him only two hours ago.'
SG Petch's kindly Peter looked bemused. 'Well, it's a mystery.'
'Mystery or not, I spoke to Scott and he said the i30 Estate would be here ready and waiting for us.'
'I'm sorry, but I really can't explain any of this.'
'You're trying to tell me. . . there is no salesman called Scott employed by SG Petch here at the Darlington Hyundai dealership?'
'Well if there is, I've never heard of him.'
'And you're also telling me . . . there is no i30 Hyundai estate car in pale blue on sale here?'
'Absolutely not.' Another baffled shrug. 'I really am very, very sorry about this. But, well, you see. . . '
'It's a mystery,' I said, echoing his words.
'Er, well. . . Yes.'
And to cut a long story short, that's how the tale ended.
Obviously, Mrs F and I had stepped into a parallel universe, but perhaps Darlington is just that, a parallel universe, where there are ghost motor cars and ghost used car salesmen. The Scott we'd spoken to at such great length about a Hyundai that did not exist, didn't exist himself, which meant the entire conversation had never existed, either. We had wound up in Darlington because of some strange corrugation in the Time Space continuum, perhaps arranged by the Darlington Tourist Board but on balance, probably not, public spending cut-backs being the way they are right now in the UK.
Which means, therefore, that the terrifying truth cannot be denied: on Tuesday, February 14, 2012, Mrs F and I went in search of a 2011 Hyundai i30 1.6 CRDi Premium CW and journeyed almost the width of England so as to enter. . .
The Twilight Zone.
And, yes, it's all true. Or, er, we think it's all true, I have SG Petch's Peter's business card here on my desk right now but perhaps it doesn't exist because he didn't exist, either, perhaps Darlington doesn't exist, or even Hyundai itself. It's all Twilight Zone.
Thus it was that Mrs F and I had a memorable lunch that day in Morrison's Supermarket, Darlington, (which may not
actually be there) but is just round the corner from SG Petch Hyundai Darlington (which may not
actually be there either. ) It being Valentine's Day, I did the romantic bit and bought Mrs F some fries to go with her sandwich. Morrison's Supermarket Cafe, Darlington, would not have been our first choice for a Valentine's Day celebration -- Paris is generally preferable -- but we finished up there because the kindly Peter who dealt with us at SG Petch had guided us to the supermarket filling station and put £20sworth of diesel in our tank to compensate for the cost and inconvenience incurred in entering The Twilight Zone / going all the bloody way to bloody Darlington and back.
By my math, £20 didn't begin to cover our costs or the inconveninec of a time-wasting 160-mile round trip but the money seemed real and when you're trying to escape the Twilight Zone then you grab whatever you can so as to get the hell out fast. Even if Mrs F's Valentine's Day fries, sandwich, coffee and bun then accounted for a lot of SG Petch's memorable munificence.
And so we're back here again, albeit with sanity slightly restored because just before we all trooped off to Morrison's to receive £20s worth of diesel, Peter said
ah, good news: the 2011 i30 1.6 CRDi CW in blue you were referring to? We've found it! It was, er, um,
sold on Saturday morning. . .To this day, I've still no idea if they also found Scott as well. Or the personal and vehicle data which Scott took from me but which, when you come to think about it, was never actually taken at all by SG Petch Darlington Hyundai because Scott doesn't exist.
Anyway. That's been our welcome to the world of Hyundai UK -- almost enough to put off anyone anywhere from ever going near the marque. But that'd be silly, because the i30 1.6CRDi CW we now have from a
real Hyundai dealership with
real sales staff is a beauty. All we would advise is that if you have a friend or relative who decides to go looking for a Hyundai and rings a dealership which puts them through to a salesman called Scott, you'd better tell 'em:
Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.
