The High and Dry Tavern

I started this pound sign nonsense off with my post which included pound signs.

If it will help - I am quite happy to re-visit my original post and edit the pounds into dollars - because we can all print a dollar sign.

Doggie 1 · **Reply #96: April 04, 2012, 12:04:57**

Quote from: AlanHo on April 04, 2012, 12:02:19

I started this pound sign nonsense off with my post which included pound signs.

If it will help - I am quite happy to re-visit my original post and edit the pounds into dollars - because we can all print a dollar sign.

Is that a USD or AUD?

Surferdude · **Reply #97: April 04, 2012, 12:07:23**

Quote from: Shambles™ on April 04, 2012, 11:58:40

ALT 0128

€

Yep that works. Thanks.
And Alan, this is good stuff if alittle off topic.

Shambles · **Reply #98: April 04, 2012, 12:07:45**

Quote from: AlanHo on April 04, 2012, 12:02:19

... because we can all print a dollar sign.

Judging by the clientele in your tavern, I'm guessing they can all print dollar bills.

eye30 · **Reply #99: April 04, 2012, 12:08:41**

Quote from: surferdude on April 04, 2012, 11:16:53

Quote from: Shambles™ on April 04, 2012, 08:14:53
Quote from: db08 on April 04, 2012, 07:36:58
It's quicker to write GBP.

or ALT 0163 (hold the ALT key (on Windows) then type 0163 on the number pad)

£
Woohoo!!!

Now. What do we type for the euro?

Here you are so you can cut/paste:

£ = GBP
$ = Dollar
€ = Euro

Phil №❶ · **Reply #100: April 04, 2012, 12:09:48**

Quote from: db08 on April 04, 2012, 12:04:57

Is that a USD or AUD?

Strangely enough, it's AU$ on the keyboard & screen.

AlanHo · **Reply #101: April 12, 2012, 19:19:41**

One of our leading bowls players, well known for a number of things including, his love of motorbikes and his reputation as a well known womanizer, walked into the bar and ordered a drink. The barmaid thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong.

"I'm scared out of my mind," he replied. "Some seriously angry husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop seeing his wife."

"So stop," she said.

"I can't," he replied, taking a long swill of his XXX beer. "He didn't sign his name!"

Dazzler · **Reply #102: April 12, 2012, 21:40:01**

Most of our bowls players over here are your age Alan

Can't imagine them being womanisers (no offence)

AlanHo · **Reply #103: April 13, 2012, 08:55:57**

I got taken for a ride this lunchtime by a couple of wise guys who came into the pub for a drink. They called me over and asked me to settle an argument.

"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.

"There be two pints in a quart," I confirmed.

They moved back to the far end of the bar and the barmaid asked for their order.

"Two pints please, miss. They are on the house - the landlord offered to buy them for us."

The barmaid was a bit dubious that I would be so generous, so one of the fellows called out to me from the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"

"That's right," I called back. "Two pints”

Shambles · **Reply #104: April 13, 2012, 09:07:10**

^ reminds me of a similar joke involving Paddy, his neighbour, a pair of bedroom slippers and his two daughters

AlanHo · **Reply #105: April 13, 2012, 09:56:10**

Quote from: Shambles™ on April 13, 2012, 09:07:10

^ reminds me of a similar joke involving Paddy, his neighbour, a pair of bedroom slippers and his two daughters

Can you please provide a link - or perhaps a phone number................

Dazzler · **Reply #106: April 13, 2012, 10:58:47**

Quote from: AlanHo on April 13, 2012, 09:56:10

Quote from: Shambles™ on April 13, 2012, 09:07:10
^ reminds me of a similar joke involving Paddy, his neighbour, a pair of bedroom slippers and his two daughters

Can you please provide a link - or perhaps a phone number................

Quote from: Dazzler on April 12, 2012, 21:40:01

Most of our bowls players over here are your age Alan Can't imagine them being womanisers (no offence)

On 2nd thoughts....

Ugly Mongrel · **Reply #107: April 13, 2012, 23:43:51**

Alan, while you were off at the HOS, a polar bear visited the tavern.
I was having a quiet pint when he approached the bar and said to one of your staff

"I'd like a rum................................and coke, please"

Your barman returned with the drink and said to the polar bear, "He's your drink, sir. Do you mind me asking, why the big pause?"

The polar bear replied, " I was born with them."

Phil №❶ · **Reply #108: April 13, 2012, 23:46:27**

Clean too

Ugly Mongrel · **Reply #109: April 14, 2012, 01:40:38**

After the polar bear left, I grabbed another pint of Alan's best ale and wandered over to a spare table near where a lady and gentleman were sitting. This is what I overheard.

"This is a special day, I'm celebrating." said the man.

"What a coincidence," said the woman next to him. "I'm celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are your celebrating?" she asked the man.

"I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." he replied happily.

"What a coincidence," the woman said. "For my husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.

"I switched cocks," he replied. "What a coincidence," she said.

Doggie 1 · **Reply #110: April 14, 2012, 02:03:22**

Ugly Mongrel · **Reply #111: April 14, 2012, 02:07:15**

I joined the celebrating couple and had several more pints before nature called. But I had a serious problem.

I made several attempts to enter the gents toilet, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that I was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on my face.

"Sir," she said, "the ladies room is unoccupied. You may use it only if you promise not to touch the buttons on the wall."

I was about to explode, and would have promised anything, so I agreed to her terms.

The relief was pure joy, and as I sat there, savouring the feeling, I noticed the buttons I had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified with the letters: WW, WA and PP, and there was one red button labelled ATR.

Who would really know if I touched them? I could not just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so I pushed thw WW button. Warm Water was sprayed gently on my bottom. Such a nice feeling came over me, the men's washroom didn't have nice things like this. (I must have a word to Alan!)

Anticipating even greater pleasure, I pressed the WA button. Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying my underside. I knew what I was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, I pressed the PP button. A large Powder Puff caressed my bottom, adding a fragrant smell of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies room was far more than a restroom, it was a place of tender loving pleasure! I could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, I pressed what I knew was going to be the ultimate joy!

I knew I was in the hospital room as soon as I opened myeyes. A nurse was staring down at me with a smirk on her face.

"What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies restroom at the High and Dry Tavern!" I said, in a great deal of pain.

"You pushed too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover!"

Doggie 1 · **Reply #112: April 14, 2012, 02:17:18**

It's an easy mistake to make.
And very tempting, I'm sure.
I hope they were able to re-attach all the bits. Micro-surgery is a wonderful thing.

Ugly Mongrel · **Reply #113: April 14, 2012, 02:28:14**

After my recent restroom experience......

AlanHo · **Reply #114: April 14, 2012, 06:25:11**

A few months ago Paddy came into the tavern – and ordered three pints of Guinness. He then sat in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more.

This inspired my curiosity and I said to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Paddy smiled and explained, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here.. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the day when we drank together."

Paddy has remained a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. That was until last night when he came in and asked me for only two pints.

All the other regulars noticed this and fell silent. When he came back to the bar for the second round, I was truly concerned at the obvious implications and said, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.".....

Paddy looked confused for a moment, then a light dawned in his eyes and he laughed. "Oh, no," he said, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

Dazzler · **Reply #115: April 14, 2012, 07:11:46**

(I hope it hasn't been on before)

AlanHo · **Reply #116: April 14, 2012, 10:22:52**

Quote from: Dazzler on April 14, 2012, 07:11:46

(I hope it hasn't been on before)

I did several searches with various permutations of words and came up empty.

That statement is surely going to provoke certain guys into spending the rest of the day on a frantic search project..................

Doggie 1 · **Reply #117: April 14, 2012, 10:36:27**

TrishCW · **Reply #118: April 14, 2012, 10:51:13**

Ugly Mongrel · **Reply #119: April 14, 2012, 11:41:15**

Well, I'm back from hospital and thought I'd call into the High and Dry to face my fears.

Anyway, a man comes walking into Alan's bar with a little turtle in his hand. The turtle’s one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

Alan asks the man: “What is wrong with your turtle?”

“Nothing”, the man responds, “This turtle is very fast. Take your dog and let him stand at the end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. Before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there.”

So Alan, wanting to see this, calls his dog, Bruce, over (who was at the piano playing requests for tips).

Alan went to the other side of the bar and called Bruce. Then suddenly the guy picked up his turtle and threw it across the room, narrowly missing Alan and smashing into the wall.

“Told you it’ll be there before your dog.”