[Doggie 1]

I'm too busy to read this.
I have to go and finish cooking my carrot stew for dinner. 

[Dazzler]

I'm throwing up whether I liked that joke or not 

[AlanHo]

I'm too busy to read this.
I have to go and finish cooking my carrot stew for dinner. 

If you smell it - don't sniff too hard and get bits stuck in your nose

[Doggie 1]

Got there too late I'm afraid and it was burnt.
Spewing.

[Phil №❶]

 

[Ugly Mongrel]

^^

That's sick.

Thanks Trev.

[Ugly Mongrel]

Paddy was drunk and on his knees beneath a street-light outside the High and Dry, evidently looking for something. A passer-by, being a good Samaritan, offered to help. "What is it you have lost?" he asked.

"Me bloody gold watch," replied Paddy. "It fell off when I tripped over on da footpath."

The passer-by joined in the search but after a quarter of an hour, there was still no sign of the watch. "Where exactly did you trip?" asked the passer-by.

"About half a block up da street," replied Paddy.

"Then why are you looking for your watch here if you lost it half a block up the street?"

"Because da bloody light's a lot better here." replied Paddy

[rustynutz]

An old wino staggers into the H & D and Alan's barman immediately told him to get out. The tramp said that he would only leave if the barman gave him a cocktail stick. The barman, thinking this was a fair exchange, gladly gave the man a cocktail stick and watched him stagger back outside.

A minute later another old wino walked into the bar and got asked to leave by the barman. This drunk also demanded a cocktail stick if he was to leave quietly. There had been no trouble the first time so, once again, Alan's barman obliged and the old drunk quietly left.

Soon after, a third wino came into the barman and without hesitation the barman offered him a cocktail stick to leave. This time though the drunk turned him down and said he would only leave if the barman gave him a drinking straw.

Curiosity finally got the better of Alan's barman and he asked the old drunk why he wanted a drinking straw when the other two drunks had asked for cocktail sticks.

The wino said "Well, someone was sick outside and all the lumpy bits have gone now!"

Very classy, UM...... 

[Ugly Mongrel]

An old wino staggers into the H & D and Alan's barman immediately told him to get out. The tramp said that he would only leave if the barman gave him a cocktail stick. The barman, thinking this was a fair exchange, gladly gave the man a cocktail stick and watched him stagger back outside.

A minute later another old wino walked into the bar and got asked to leave by the barman. This drunk also demanded a cocktail stick if he was to leave quietly. There had been no trouble the first time so, once again, Alan's barman obliged and the old drunk quietly left.

Soon after, a third wino came into the barman and without hesitation the barman offered him a cocktail stick to leave. This time though the drunk turned him down and said he would only leave if the barman gave him a drinking straw.

Curiosity finally got the better of Alan's barman and he asked the old drunk why he wanted a drinking straw when the other two drunks had asked for cocktail sticks.

The wino said "Well, someone was sick outside and all the lumpy bits have gone now!"

Very classy, UM...... 

Thanks, mate. I knew you'd recognise class crass when you saw it

[AlanHo]

We had a commercial traveler in the bar trying to sell the barmaid some eye make-up called 14th February.

He said it was American and was so named to commemorate the days of prohibition in the USA .

The barmaid said she didn’t understand the significance.

He explained “Its St Valentines day mascara”


Meanwhile I was chatting to the local squire who is a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower. He was with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde who knocked everyone's socks off with her youthful appeal and charm. She was hanging onto his arm and listening intently to his every word. She was so gorgeous, she commanded everyone’s attention

After a while, my curiosity quite overcame me and when he came to the bar to order more drinks I whispered, "How did you get the trophy girlfriend"?

"Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

"So, how did you persuade her to marry you"?

"I lied about my age."

"What, did you tell her you were only 50"?

"No, I told her I'm 90."

[Dazzler]

That one reminds me of my Dad (who is 90 in July) .. A couple of times a female has helped him find his XK8 Jaguar in the car park.. He usually manages to get their phone number once they see his car 

[Doggie 1]

That one reminds me of my Dad (who is 90 in July) .. A couple of times a female has helped him find his XK8 Jaguar in the car park.. He usually manages to get their phone number once they see his car 

  Good on 'im.
Does he know what to do with them though Dazz?
It's like the dog that used to chase cars until one day it caught one. Then it didn't quite know what to do with it.

[Ugly Mongrel]

Dazzler's Dad finally catches a live one

 

[Dazzler]

That one reminds me of my Dad (who is 90 in July) .. A couple of times a female has helped him find his XK8 Jaguar in the car park.. He usually manages to get their phone number once they see his car 

  Good on 'im.
Does he know what to do with them though Dazz?
It's like the dog that used to chase cars until one day it caught one. Then it didn't quite know what to do with it.

He doesn't tell me about that bit...

[Dazzler]

Dazzler's Dad finally catches a live one

 

the dead ones haven't been much help at helping him find his car... 

[Doggie 1]

Dazzler's Dad finally catches a live one

 

Wow, the family likeness is unvelieveable. 

[AlanHo]

The winner of this week’s poetry competition is Old Ned with this one :-

This bar is dark and dreary
and the air don't smell too sweet
I'd go 'ome but my legs won't let me
cuz my shoes are full of feet.

[Doggie 1]

The winner of this week’s poetry competition is Old Ned with this one :-

This bar is dark and dreary
and the air don't smell too sweet
I'd go 'ome but my legs won't let me
cuz my shoes are full of feet.

And the runner up from old Fred:

I've been 'ere every day this week
An' I've had my share of luck
But I'm off 'ome now to see the wife
And give her a real good talking to.

[AlanHo]

A drop dead gorgeous young blonde came into the pub this afternoon whilst we were really quiet - in fact she was the only customer. I was delighted to have someone to talk to.

The conversation drifted round such subjects as weather, sport, politics and sex - and I asked her if she knew the difference between sex and a conversation.

She said "No"

So I replied "Good. Go and lie down on the leather sofa in the corner. I am going to give you a good talking to"

[Doggie 1]

A drop dead gorgeous young blonde came into the pub this afternoon whilst we were really quiet - in fact she was the only customer. I was delighted to have someone to talk to.

The conversation drifted round such subjects as weather, sport, politics and sex - and I asked her if she knew the difference between sex and a conversation.

She said "No"

So I replied "Good. Go and lie down on the leather sofa in the corner. I am going to give you a good talking to"

I think that was Fred 

[eye30]

A drop dead gorgeous young blonde came into the pub this afternoon whilst we were really quiet - in fact she was the only customer. I was delighted to have someone to talk to.

The conversation drifted round such subjects as weather, sport, politics and sex - and I asked her if she knew the difference between sex and a conversation.

She said "No"

So I replied "Good. Go and lie down on the leather sofa in the corner. I am going to give you a good talking to"

I think that was Fred 

No. Roger

[Doggie 1]

It's Friday night and I'm feeling trapped
I want to get away
So I wait until she's out of sight
And I set upon my way

I have in mind, where I will go
And I'm off, giving it a try
If all goes well, in half an hour
I'll be at the 'High & Dry'

When I first walk in it's half past seven
And I see a familiar sight
Within a minute or two, I'm in heaven
With a beer and a promising night

I only intend to stay a while
But times flies, really fast
I have a drink, and then another
Surely this must be my last

I have one last, and then two lasts
And before I know it
The world goes blurry, my mouth feels furry
And I see my world go past

It's half past ten and I know I'm missed
So I head off out the door
It's then I realize how much I'm pissed
And I crash on to the floor

My mates come over and pick me up
Dust me off. "Are you OK?"
I say, "Yeah, of course I am"
And with a wink, I'm on my way

It's eleven o'colock when I get home
And I don't expect a kiss
But there she is, at the door
Her scowl I cannot miss

I take my flight and head for bed
With ne'er a glance o'er my shoulder
Then next 'tis dawn, and I feel so forlorn
And I swear, I'm ten years older.

My head, it hurts. My mouth is dry
And all I want is water
But the wife knows this and with a smile
She only gives me torture

For three hours of pleasure I know I've had
From now I know my nights
Will be missing all important things
As she removes my conjugal rights

I go without for the next six days
Not knowing what to do
Then comes Thursday night, it's on again
And she comes shining through

Ah, marriage truly is so great
And there's no way I'd swap this
Well, until next Friday night that is
When I get back on the piss.

Here's to the High & Dry. 

[AlanHo]

Bloody 'ell Dave - that's very good. It must have taken you quite a few minutes to compose it.

You should have included a verse where Hyundai rhymes with High and Dry..............................

[Doggie 1]

Bloody 'ell Dave - that's very good. It must have taken you quite a few minutes to compose it.

You should have included a verse where Hyundai rhymes with High and Dry..............................

That's why I've been "M.I.A." for a few minutes 

[Dazzler]

I liked this verse best...

It's half past ten and I know I'm missed
So I head off out the door
It's then I realize how much I'm pissed
And I crash on to the floor

One of my work colleagues did this a week or two ago and swears he will never drink again...

Black eye, bleedin' nose, big gouge in top of his nose where his glasses dug in + bent glasses...

[AlanHo]

Old Ned was telling me about his trip to the dentist

He went to have a tooth pulled.

The dentist took out a needle to give him a shot of Novocain.

"No way" says Ned, "no needles, I can't stand needles."

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas but Ned again objected. "No gas, please, the mask on my face is suffocating to me."

The dentist then asked him if he had any objection to taking a pill.

"No," said Ned, "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returned and says "Here's a Viagra tablet."

Ned said "Wow, I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain pill."

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

[Shambles]

I was sitting in the Tavern with some bloke last night when he said, "I'm going to buy you a large whiskey and I want you to knock it back."

"Ok" I replied.

As he put it on the table I said, "No thanks mate, I don't want it."

[Doggie 1]

What a waste. 

[AlanHo]

A pirate came into the bar yesterday. Our barman said, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' replies the pirate. 'I feel fine.'

The barman inquired, 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

The pirate responded, 'Well, we were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball. But I'm fine now.'

The barman said, 'Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'

The pirate replied, 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'

The bartender probed further, 'What about that eye patch?'

The pirate explains, 'Oh, one day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye.'

'You're kidding,' replied the bartender. 'You lost an eye just from bird crap?'

'No - it was my first day with the hook.'............................. 

[Surferdude]

^^^
Groan.