[Phil №❶]

What's your poison Dazz 

[FatBoy]

I'll have a coffee thanks,a flat white with no sugar. 

I believe it is "The High and Dry Tavern" not "The High and Dry Cafe".  Make it an Irish Coffee, and I'll join you.   

splash a shot into my mug slim. 

Done!!  One shot for you, and two for me.  Dazz, would you like an Irish Coffee?

[Dazzler]

It would have to be a Bailey's 

[Surferdude]

I was sitting in the High and Dry Tavern today watching the V8 Supercars in Perth. There were a lot of customers sitting around, including one group of little old ladies, partaking of a few drinks and enjoying the ambience.
A really old guy came in and sat at the next table to the old ladies.
Turns out he was an Irish WW2 Spitfire pilot and he got to reminiscing about his  was experiences.
"In 1942', he says, 'the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. One day I was protecting these bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these Fokkers appeared".
There were a few gasps from the old ladies.
"I looked up and realised that two of the Fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other Fokker was right on my tail".
By now, the old ladies were blushing fiercely and looking decidely uncomfortable.
So, one of the people at the old pilot's table stood up and announced to the Tavern in general, "I should point out that "Fokker" was the name of the aircraft company which made many of the planes used by the Germans during the war".

"Yes, that's true', says the old pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerchmitts". !!

[Surferdude]

A short time later there was a young guy sitting at the bar with 6 cartons of milk beside him
Why so much milk, Bruce (the barman) asked him.

"Well,' he replied, "My wife asked me to please go to the supermarket and get a carton of milk. Oh and if they have egss, get 6."
"They had eggs, so I got the six cartons of milk".

[Dazzler]

"In 1942', he says, 'the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. One day I was protecting these bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these Fokkers appeared".
There were a few gasps from the old ladies.
"I looked up and realised that two of the Fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other Fokker was right on my tail".
By now, the old ladies were blushing fiercely and looking decidely uncomfortable.
So, one of the people at the old pilot's table stood up and announced to the Tavern in general, "I should point out that "Fokker" was the name of the aircraft company which made many of the planes used by the Germans during the war".

"Yes, that's true', says the old pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerchmitts". !!

  Lucky this isn't a TV channel you would be banned for life 

[AlanHo]

You have to make allowances for the aged. The old chap must be at least 88 years old if he was flying a Spitfire in 1942. He is only copying what he hears his great grand kids say........................

[Surferdude]

"In 1942', he says, 'the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. One day I was protecting these bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these Fokkers appeared".
There were a few gasps from the old ladies.
"I looked up and realised that two of the Fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other Fokker was right on my tail".
By now, the old ladies were blushing fiercely and looking decidely uncomfortable.
So, one of the people at the old pilot's table stood up and announced to the Tavern in general, "I should point out that "Fokker" was the name of the aircraft company which made many of the planes used by the Germans during the war".

"Yes, that's true', says the old pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerchmitts". !!

  Lucky this isn't a TV channel you would be banned for life 

Geez. You're a bit tough Dazz. Even Graham Kennedy didn't get banned for life.

[Dazzler]

"In 1942', he says, 'the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. One day I was protecting these bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these Fokkers appeared".
There were a few gasps from the old ladies.
"I looked up and realised that two of the Fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other Fokker was right on my tail".
By now, the old ladies were blushing fiercely and looking decidely uncomfortable.
So, one of the people at the old pilot's table stood up and announced to the Tavern in general, "I should point out that "Fokker" was the name of the aircraft company which made many of the planes used by the Germans during the war".

"Yes, that's true', says the old pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerchmitts". !!

  Lucky this isn't a TV channel you would be banned for life 

Geez. You're a bit tough Dazz. Even Graham Kennedy didn't get banned for life.

I recognized the joke as the one some comedian got a lifetime TV ban for... I forget his name 

[AlanHo]

I recognized the joke as the one some comedian got a lifetime TV ban for... I forget his name 

Hermann Goering?

[AlanHo]

Ned Giles was in the pub again today - we haven't seen him for a few weeks.

He's been in hospital after an industrial accident - he works at a factory in the town and fell into an upholstery machine.

Good to see him back now he is fully recovered.

[eye30]

Just popped in for a swift half.


Quite at the moment but should liven up once BGT starts on TV.

[Dazzler]

Ned Giles was in the pub again today - we haven't seen him for a few weeks.

He's been in hospital after an industrial accident - he works at a factory in the town and fell into an upholstery machine.

Good to see him back now he is fully recovered.

I don't think he is fully recovered yet, he still gets the stitch if he runs up hills 

[AlanHo]

I don't think he is fully recovered yet, he still gets the stitch if he runs up hills 

I don't know how you think 'em up.................

[Dazzler]

I don't think he is fully recovered yet, he still gets the stitch if he runs up hills 

I don't know how you think 'em up.................

I don't understand my twisted sense of humour either 

[Doggie 1]

Since getting back he's really become a part of the fabric of society.

[Surferdude]

Since getting back he's really become a part of the fabric of society.

Don't you find he panics a bit if he gets hemmed in at the bar?

[AlanHo]

It's a wonder he wasn't killed - he was lucky that something cushioned his fall.

[AlanHo]

Since getting back he's really become a part of the fabric of society.

Don't you find he panics a bit if he gets hemmed in at the bar?

Darn it!!! - You now got me in stitches.............

[Surferdude]

Since getting back he's really become a part of the fabric of society.

Don't you find he panics a bit if he gets hemmed in at the bar?

Darn it!!!-You now got me in stitches.............

Actually he's getting pretty good at threading through the crush.

[AlanHo]

We are going to have to stop this - you are needling me.....................

[Doggie 1]

We are going to have to stop this - you are needling me.....................

Oh I don't know. Sofa Sogood.

[AlanHo]

We are going to have to stop this - you are needling me.....................

Oh I don't know. Sofa Sogood.

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

[AlanHo]

Sister Mary from the village convent was in here earlier.

She was looking terrible - I have never seen anyone look worse. She usually comes in with her collection tin but this time - to my amazement - she downed a couple of neat whiskies then went on her way.

Our village doctor came in afterwards and I told him sister Mary looked ill - but he knew all about it.

He told me that he had advised her this morning that she was pregnant.

"Oh dear" says I "How awful for her"

"Oh it’s not all that bad" explained the doctor "I just told her that because it was the quickest way to cure her week-old hiccups".

[Ugly Mongrel]

I was in the H & D having a quite pint when two of Alan's regulars came in.

They both ordered a Guinness and sat down near me. I couldn't help overhearing their conversation.

 Paddy says to Mick, "Mick, I'm thinkin of buying a Labrador"

"Sod that" Mick replied "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

[Doggie 1]

 

[Surferdude]

 

[Ugly Mongrel]

An old wino staggers into the H & D and Alan's barman immediately told him to get out. The tramp said that he would only leave if the barman gave him a cocktail stick. The barman, thinking this was a fair exchange, gladly gave the man a cocktail stick and watched him stagger back outside.

A minute later another old wino walked into the bar and got asked to leave by the barman. This drunk also demanded a cocktail stick if he was to leave quietly. There had been no trouble the first time so, once again, Alan's barman obliged and the old drunk quietly left.

Soon after, a third wino came into the barman and without hesitation the barman offered him a cocktail stick to leave. This time though the drunk turned him down and said he would only leave if the barman gave him a drinking straw.

Curiosity finally got the better of Alan's barman and he asked the old drunk why he wanted a drinking straw when the other two drunks had asked for cocktail sticks.

The wino said "Well, someone was sick outside and all the lumpy bits have gone now!"

[AlanHo]

You are trying too hard to be popular. I'm not at all sure that this gag (joke) will go down too well. Anyway - has it been regurgitated from an old post?.......

[Surferdude]

^^

That's sick.