[Surferdude]

Question:

Why is an egg tapered at one end?

In case it needs to be put back to cock a bit longer.

I hope you meant to type "cook" 

Otherwise the rooster WILL have something to crow about.

[Doggie 1]

You probably won't believe it, but that really was a genuine typo. I was tired.
Just saw it now.
 

[Surferdude]

You probably won't believe it, but that really was a genuine typo. I was tired.
Just saw it now.
 

 
Sssuuurre.
 

[Phil №❶]

An "unfortunate" typo 

[Doggie 1]

But sworn on my grandkids' lives, an honest one. 

[Phil №❶]

But sworn on my grandkids' lives, an honest one. 

Whoa, no need to do that, I'd accept your word anyday 

[Surferdude]

An "unfortunate" typo 

Or a Freudian slip
 

[eye30]

Anyway not the right response..............

It is tapered otherwise if it wasn't could you imagine the pain and suffering as it emerges from the hen if it was square shaped.

[AlanHo]

This notice has appeared on our board :-

Wayne
Please contact me soon!
Bring three rings: Engagement, wedding, and teething.
Have news.
Debbie

[eye30]

This notice has appeared on our board :-

Wayne aka AlanHo

Please contact me soon!
Bring three rings: Engagement, wedding, and teething.
Have news.
Debbie

[AlanHo]

Paddy was in the bar this afternoon. I noticed that his glass was empty and asked if he would like another one.

No thanks" he replied "what would I do with two empty glasses"

[Surferdude]

This notice has appeared on our board :-

Wayne aka AlanHo

Please contact me soon!
Bring three rings: Engagement, wedding, and teething.
Have news.
Debbie

I imagine Alan would be pretty chuffed about that.

[AlanHo]

We have a vacancy for a barman.

Paddy, who has worked here for a few years has quit.

It appears that he read in the Daily Star that 75% of all accidents occur within a 5 mile radius of home. So he moved house 15 miles away to the next village.

[Dazzler]

An oldie .. but  i like it   

[Doggie 1]

And 10% of all road accidents are caused by people who drink, meaning 90% are caused by people who don't.
So has he taken up (or continued) drinking too, just to keep safe?

[AlanHo]

Last evening this Hells Angel came into the bar - covered in studs and tattoos with his hair in a pony tail. He strutted up to the barman and said “Whose the bestest and most strongest bugger in the room”.

Not one for trouble, the barman shrugged and said “You are”.

The punk spit on the floor and then went nose to nose with the gaffer snarling “Who do you think is the bestest and toughest sod here”.

The gaffer barman saw no point in lowering himself to his level and said “You are”.

The Hells Angel - now on a roll - went belly to belly with old Ned at the bar, poked him forcibly on the shoulder and said “And who do you reckon is the biggest, roughest and strongest real man who could pee all over you lot”.

Without hesitation old Ned grabbed the punk by the scruff of the neck and hurled him across the room, bouncing him off the wall. As the punk slid to the floor in a dishevelled heap, Ned followed up with a lightning kick in the groin then took out his willy and proceeded to give the punk a warm wash.

The punk staggered to his feet and said “Christ man, just because you don’t know the answer, there’s no need to get so snotty”

[AlanHo]

The village priest was having a quiet drink in the lounge bar last night when the door burst open and Sister Mary burst in. She was clearly in a very advanced state of agitation.

“Father!” she cried, “just wait until you hear this!”

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, “Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?”

“Well, Father” the nun began, “I was in the public bar with my collection tin and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!”

“A serious infraction, indeed!” said the priest.

“But that’s not what has me so shocked, Father,” replied the nun, “it was what they were wagering on! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!”

“What an incredible wager!” exclaimed the priest, “What did you do?”

“Well, I hit the ceiling, father.”

To which the priest replied, “How much did you win?”

[Doggie 1]

 
Back to the Hy & Dry 

[Surferdude]

Back to the Hy & Dry 

Not bad.
When I posted it the setting was two schools side by side, one Catholic and on Protestant. Tha latters toilets broke down and the kids were allowed to use the Catholic schools toilets.
And the puch line was, "Well done Sister. Don't let those Protestant bastards beat us at anything".

[Surferdude]

Back to the Hy & Dry 

Not bad.
When I posted it the setting was two schools side by side, one Catholic and on Protestant. Tha latters toilets broke down and the kids were allowed to use the Catholic schools toilets.
And the puch line was, "Well done Sister. Don't let those Protestant bastards beat us at anything".

Oh. And my mother told me that joke when I was still in high school. (without the word "bastards").

[AlanHo]

Alf was in the bar again tonight - a strange bloke who suffers from delusions.

Tonight he started off standing on a table and singing opera in a falsetto voice as loud as he could - then he was holding out his arms horizontally and "flying" round the bar making Fokker aeroplane noises. Most people in the bar were regulars and used to it - but strangers must have wondered what was going on.

The regulars had seen it so many times they had concluded that when so intoxicated, he clearly imagined himself to be either a temptress in a Bizet opera or to be the head of the German Luftwaffe in WW2.

The consensus of our drinkers was that when Alf was in that state, he didn't know whether he was Carmen or Goerring.

[Ugly Mongrel]

A guy walks into The High & Dry and orders a drink. He finishes his drink and goes back outside. He finds his horse missing.

He goes back into the bar and states angrily, "If my horse isn't back by the time I finish my next drink, I'm going to have to do what I did the last time my horse stolen. And I don't want to have to do that  again."

So he orders an another drink and finishes it. When goes outside again, he finds his horse back.

As he's leaving, Alan comes up to him and asks, "What was it that you did the last time your  horse was stolen?"

The man replies, "I had to walk home."

[Dazzler]

  Not bad Terry 

[Doggie 1]

 

[Ugly Mongrel]

Two mates are sitting at the bar in the High & Dry  and talking about another guy sitting at the other end of the bar.

"I don't get it," complained the first bloke, "He's not good looking, he has absolutely no taste in clothes, and he drives a beat up wreck of a car, yet he always manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!"

"Yeah," replies his mate, "He's not even a very good conversationally, all he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows."

[Doggie 1]

Snot what you've got, 'tis how you use it. 
Apparently? 

[Ugly Mongrel]

An Aussie, a little man, was sitting at the bar in the High & Dry when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Aussie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor.

The big, burly Yank says,"That's a karate chop from Korea."

Well, the Aussie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer. The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor.

"That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.

The Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves.

A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank bastard sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out.

 The Aussie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a fu#*ing crowbar from the back of my ute."

[Doggie 1]

Good ol' Aussies. 

[Ugly Mongrel]

On New Year's Eve, Alan was in no shape to drive home from the High & Dry so he sensibly left his i30  in the car park and walked home.

As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?" asked the police officer.

"I'm on my way to a lecture," answered Alan

"And who on Earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?" enquired the constable sarcastically.

"My wife," slurred Alan grimly.

[Dazzler]

I better call the Bris Vegas Fire Brigade Terry.. You are on fire today