i30 Owners Club
GENERAL STUFF => GENERAL DISCUSSIONS => Random Chit Chat => Topic started by: AlanHo on March 31, 2012, 02:14:26
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I don't know about you guys - but I like to get away from domestic routine from time to time - wander down to the local village pub and have a couple of quiet beers with the regulars there.
We talk about old times, our families, footie, warm beer, the bloody government, illegal immigrants, the credit crunch and all sorts of other things. We have solved many a World crisis with our collective wisdom.
It occurs to me that this lively forum lacks a quiet retreat - where members can drop in for a virtual beer and a chat - tell a joke or two. Somewhere to get out of the house for a while and relax in convivial surroundings with your mates. Up to now the only place where we virtually get together in virtual surroundings is when we are cast into the virtual Hall of Shame. Ugly Mongrel is an OK guy - but it would be nice to spend time with some others.
So I have raided the grandkids virtual piggy banks and used the virtual money to open this virtual pub - where you are invited to spend some time and engage in friendly banter.
I am hoping to keep it as a quiet retreat where you can get a pie and a pint - but unless there is great demand, slot machines, juke boxes and TV's on all the walls are a no no. If you want your mates to see a video or hear music - then paste the url so they can watch it on their smart phones so it doesn't disturb the whole bar.
We have a pub cat to keep any mice at bay and my dog likes to spend time lying in front of the log fire. The dog is friendly - but can be a bit too friendly at times when he takes a fancy to a customer and starts leg humping. The secret is to ignore him and to not let the shaking spill your beer.
We have a couple of nice barmaids to look after your needs and we stock a wide range of virtual beers - including real ales - for your delectation. The highest strength ale is called Tates, it has such a high alcohol level that it causes temporary memory loss. You are advised not to drink this unless you have someone with you to guide you home. It is said that "he who has a Tates is lost" - you have been warned.
The tables are kept clean, the beer is chilled, the chairs are comfy and we have i30 logos on our beer mats. What more could you want?
So the pub is open and I look forward to welcoming our first customer...............
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I'll have a scotch & coke, kind sir.... :)
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Bundy Rum and Coke please.
With a Sarsparilla chaser.
Did you hear the one about the surfer who walks into a bar?
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I'll only keep the mice at bay if I get a nice basket to sleep in. :happydance:
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Do you serve a nice Margaret River red there as well? I hope so - it sounds very inviting. :)
As for the barmaids who are their to cater for our needs, I say count me in (if you'll have me :undecided:)
Do I need to get dressed first?
Now, what are we going to talk about? :neutral:
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The "Big Brother" mentality which has reached our village might sponsor some banter.
Our local policeman came in to advise me that the sign on our back gate "Beware of the Dog" is now against the law.
I told him that I would therefore alter the sign to read "Beware of the Canary".
He gave me a puzzled look and said "I can't see the point of that – what on earth can a canary do"
"Whistle for our savage Pit Bull dog" was my retort.
Meanwhile the dog was lying in front of the fire with one eye on the intruding representative of the arm of the law - I know what the dog was thinking - is it worth rousing myself to go hump the "leg of the law"
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Is it a pig dog? :confused:
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What's a pig dog? Does it oink instead of bark? Or is it so laid back that it boars you?............ :whistler:
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What's a pig dog? Does it oink instead of bark? Or is it so laid back that it boars you?............ :whistler:
pig dog (plural pig dogs)
(Australian, New Zealand) A dog bred to hunt wild pigs and boars, typically based on breeds such as Staffordshire Terrier and English Bull Terrier (source wiki)
(http://i832.photobucket.com/albums/zz244/WAPOL5666/Misc/pigdog.jpg)
Or one of these.....
(http://i832.photobucket.com/albums/zz244/WAPOL5666/Misc/pigdog2.jpg)
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Our Pit Bull is similar to your pig dog. They are now illegal in the UK after numerous attacks on people and the deaths of a few children. However - the gangs here still breed them and flout the law, using them as a gang status symbol and as a weapon. 5 police were hospitalised last week when they went to arrest someone at his home and finished up shooting the dog dead.
The lower image you posted is a dog we call an Alsatian - or German Shepherd.
Our pub dog isn't actually a Pit Bull - but is a well trained labrador - but with a slightly randy streak. I might have to get him doctored if he puts people off coming to the pub with his amorous tendencies. If so we will have to change his name from "Bruce" to "Tomorrow"...... :whistler:
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Our Pit Bull is similar to your pig dog. They are now illegal in the UK after numerous attacks on people and the deaths of a few children. However - the gangs here still breed them and flout the law, using them as a gang status symbol and as a weapon. 5 police were hospitalised last week when they went to arrest someone at his home and finished up shooting the dog dead.
The lower image you posted is a dog we call an Alsatian - or German Shepherd.
Our pub dog isn't actually a Pit Bull - but is a well trained labrador - but with a slightly randy streak. I might have to get him doctored if he puts people off coming to the pub with his amorous tendencies. If so we will have to change his name from "Bruce" to "Tomorrow"...... :whistler:
Pig dogs are legal in W.A. but American Pitbulls are not, for the reasons you have outlined above.
During my time in the Force I had occasion once to attend a job where two similar dogs had viciously attacked an old Italian lady who was feeding her chooks in the back yard.
When we arrived, they attacked us too, forcing us to have to shoot them or be further attacked. I did not enjoy doing that but it was necessary.
Our police dogs here are German Shepherds (Alsation is not a term recognised here, although some people still use it). The registered breed is German Shepherd.
Your dog sounds a bit like you Alan :lol:.
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We have a couple of nice barmaids to look after your needs and we stock a wide range of virtual beers - including real ales - for your delectation.
Sounds just like my local I visit every Saturday night.....
Cheers AlanHo and I'll have a virtual pint of John Smith's and a packet of scratchings..
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Nice to see the bar's filling rapidly, I'll have a Coopers Pale Ale & some beer nuts please. :D
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Any counter meals in this joint?
I'm getting a bit peckish....... :confused:
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Any counter meals in this joint?
I'm getting a bit peckish....... :confused:
Probably only an English pork pie and mushy peas :D
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:groan:
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After the Great Beer Festival, some of the brewery bosses popped into our pub to sample a typical country inn.
The Mexican President of Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." Our barmaid dusted off a bottle from the shelf and gave it to him.
The Australian Boss of Fosters says " Sheila - I'd like the best beer ever to come out of Australia, give me a nice cold Fosters." Our barmaid gave him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Bank's Brewery in the Black Country UK sits down and says, "Give me a lemonade."
Our barman was a little taken aback, but gave him what he ordered.
The other brewery bosses looked over at him and asked "Why aren't you drinking Bank's famous bitter?"
The Banks' boss replied, "Well, I figured that if all you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
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Can I start off with a Depth Charge please kind sir?
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beer nuts
Are these peanut sold for beer drinkers in mind i.e. loads of salt on them to make them drink more...
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Can I start off with a Depth Charge please kind sir?
What beer do you prefer kind sir with the tequila
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When does the pole dancing display start?
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Can I start off with a Depth Charge please kind sir?
What beer do you prefer kind sir with the tequila
A nice cold Stella, and swap the Tequila for a Grouse please!
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Do you need more bar staff?
:link: (http://www.google.com.au/search?q=beer+wench+costume&hl=en&client=ms-android-optus-au&source=android-launcher-widget&v=133247963&prmd=imvns&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=AXR3T5GCLebFmQXpuLzpDw&ved=0CFEQsAQ&biw=240&bih=400#i=2)
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beer nuts
Are these peanut sold for beer drinkers in mind i.e. loads of salt on them to make them drink more...
Yes, in more exclusive pub's they're in a dish on the counter for all to consume, heavily salted, roasted, hasps still on & quite tasty, you just can't stop, especially with beer. Quite unhygenic really with all those communal fingers, but I trust you guys. :whistler:
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Do you need more bar staff?
:link: (http://www.google.com.au/search?q=beer+wench+costume&hl=en&client=ms-android-optus-au&source=android-launcher-widget&v=133247963&prmd=imvns&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=AXR3T5GCLebFmQXpuLzpDw&ved=0CFEQsAQ&biw=240&bih=400#i=2)
That link took me to my home page UM, I wouldn't satisfy your requirements I'm afraid. :(
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Do you need more bar staff?
I do indeed need an extra barman because of the increase in customers we are getting. However, anyone thinking of applying for the barman vacancy should note that I now only employ married men - singles are disqualified. This is because I prefer employees who are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut, and don't pout when I yell at them.
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Oh dear, I was going to apply, but can't handle number 4, sorry. :'(
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Oh dear, I was going to apply, but can't handle number 4, sorry. :'(
Calling Dazz. We need a "Pout" smiley please.
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:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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When does the pole dancing display start?
Does Alan do that too? :scared:
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Have we got the sports channel here?
The 2012 MotoGP season fires up next weekend.... :D
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I checked earlier and all I could find were the 2012 International Knitting semi-finals and the Intermediate Qualifying Rounds for the U.K. Quoits Championships.
Enthralling stuff I have to say, once you get into it. :D
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No good having a TV. Imagine how many different sports we'd want to be watching. :faint:
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Thankfully not all sport is on at the same time, Trev. :D
Oh, and who won the knitting, Dave?
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Thankfully not all sport is on at the same time, Trev. :D
Oh, and who won the knitting, Dave?
A lady from Siberia called Iva Gotslotsovknotsky.
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Thankfully not all sport is on at the same time, Trev. :D
It is if it's on a different channel.
Today I've watched motor racing, rugby league and the 5 o'clock News. Had to fight with my wife for the remote. Imagine an alcohol fuelled "discussion" in Alan's fine establishment. Could damage the furniture. And result in a visit from a bunch of Manchester's finest in their i30's
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:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
That's ok, we'd just talk cars with them.
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I did say in my introduction that there will be no large screen TV's in my pub - they are noisy conversation killers. We do however - offer free unlimited wi-fi so that you can sit there quietly - sip your beer - chat to your mates and keep an eye on your smartphone or tablet computer.
Hence those who want to watch the knitting championship don't needle the guys who prefer to kick football into the arena.
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Sounds like you need to buy another tele, Trev..... :lol:
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CCCCaan one o.o.o.o.of yyyou ggguyys hhellppp gggettttt ttthiss bbbloooddy dddog offff....mmmmy llegg
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What's the dogs name :question:
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What's the dogs name :question:
Our pub dog isn't actually a Pit Bull - but is a well trained labrador - but with a slightly randy streak. I might have to get him doctored if he puts people off coming to the pub with his amorous tendencies. If so we will have to change his name from "Bruce" to "Tomorrow"...... :whistler:
I allllreadddy ttttolddd yyyou
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C'mon Brucie C'mon here boy, leave him alone :exclaim:
(http://i1132.photobucket.com/albums/m572/847563/I30%20Forum/doggie.jpg)
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So far today I have caught up with the WRC Portugal Rally, the British Historic Rally championship, the first round of the BTCC (great race), the Ginetta G50 and Junior Cups and am now setting down to watch the Porsche Carrera Supercup, followed by round 2 of the BTCC. I love Sunday motorsport :goodjob:
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Do you need more bar staff?
:link: (http://www.google.com.au/search?q=beer+wench+costume&hl=en&client=ms-android-optus-au&source=android-launcher-widget&v=133247963&prmd=imvns&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=AXR3T5GCLebFmQXpuLzpDw&ved=0CFEQsAQ&biw=240&bih=400#i=2)
That link took me to my home page UM, I wouldn't satisfy your requirements I'm afraid. :(
Not so lucky.
All I got was a blank white page
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I got the white page too - but I concluded that it was an April Fool........................ :rofl: :rofl:
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All I got was a blank white page
I got the white page too - but I concluded that it was an April Fool........................ :rofl: :rofl:
I'm guessing you guys are still using that good-for-nothing Internet Explosion :rolleyes:
Try this link instead
:link: (http://www.google.com.au/search?q=beer+wench+costume&um=1&ie=UTF-8&hl=en&tbm=isch&source=og&sa=N&tab=wi&ei=HW14T-DbBsmJhQepy-iNDQ&biw=1920&bih=940&sei=IW14T4HUDOHF0QXz85WqDQ)
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Blimey - it really was an April Fool Joke - I wouldn't dream of asking my girls to dress up in anything so floozy in the public bar. It might put people off their beer.
Thanks Steve for clarifying it....................... :goodjob:
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This rather dishy blonde was in the bar last evening wearing the tightest sheerest pants I've ever seen.
I had a job keeping my eyes off her.
Finally my curiosity got the better of me, so I went over to her and whispered "How do you manage to get into those pants?"
She looked me over, smiled warmly, fluttered her eyelashes and replied, "Well, you could start by giving me some drinks in the house."
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So far today I have caught up with the WRC Portugal Rally, the British Historic Rally championship, the first round of the BTCC (great race), the Ginetta G50 and Junior Cups and am now setting down to watch the Porsche Carrera Supercup, followed by round 2 of the BTCC. I love Sunday motorsport :goodjob:
:evil: :evil: :evil:
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A guy dropped into the bar today and after sitting there for a while asked the barman to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone on the sofa in the quiet end of the lounge.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'..... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The barman, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman after surreptitiously reading it on the way.
My barman told me the note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man composed one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the barman and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. Which he did after collecting a few glasses fromthe tables to give him the chance to read it without being noticed. It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Australia, England and the USA, the smallest being a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back..
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:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
:oops: :Ouch:
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Which of those pretty little dresses do you intend to wear UM? :whistler:
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Which of those pretty little dresses do you intend to wear UM? :whistler:
I reckon I always look good in red, kittycat :mrgreen:
(http://i498.photobucket.com/albums/rr343/umongrel/8480.png)
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As indicated by your avatar :-[
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I do like that one. :goodjob2: It will add to the high class atmosphere of the establishment without a doubt. :happydance:
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I should make clear to all members that the law stops me from banning cross dressers like UM from the Tavern - but I trust that he will respond to a polite request to be more respectfully dressed than the lung display on his avatar............. :evil:
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I should make clear to all members that the law stops me from banning cross dressers like UM from the Tavern - but I trust that he will respond to a polite request to be more respectfully dressed than the lung display on his avatar............. :evil:
As we live in a democracy,Alan, I suggest the members in the bar should vote on the appropriateness of my choice of dress.
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I should make clear to all members that the law stops me from banning cross dressers like UM from the Tavern - but I trust that he will respond to a polite request to be more respectfully dressed than the lung display on his avatar............. :evil:
As we live in a democracy,Alan, I suggest the members in the bar should vote on the appropriateness of my choice of dress.
Hey UM i think you are safe considering they let Rustynutz in with no clothes on lol some clothes has to be better hehehe :lol:
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I should make clear to all members that the law stops me from banning cross dressers like UM from the Tavern -
Who is up for the door job so they can bar the undesirables?
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I should make clear to all members that the law stops me from banning cross dressers like UM from the Tavern -
Who is up for the door job so they can bar the undesirables?
I trust that you will advise the doorman to treat me as an exception even though he is stopping all the other undesirables...............otherwise you aint gonna get no beer............. :evil:
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db08, knows how to handle "undesirables" :mrgreen: :happydance:
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walked into the bar. They all suffered from a severe stutter.
"What's it to be?" asked our barmaid.
"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi.................." says the Englishman.
Up steps the Irishman. "Threeee p pints of of of of gui gui gui gui................."
Then the Scotsman tries."Th th th thth th th th th th th th th th.................."
"Oh blow this!" says the barmaid and walks away to serve someone else.
She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.
"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", stutters the Englishman.
"Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries Paddy.
And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th ththth...........".
"Look" says the barmaid, who loves a bet, "If any one of you can answer a question without stuttering I'll let you take me to bed!"
Quite confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman. "Where do you live?"
"M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch."
"No. You lose." says the barmaid. Turning to the Scotsman, she asks, "Where do you live Scotty?", trying not to laugh.
"E E E E EEd Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edinb."
"Sorry, you lose." says she.
"And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman.
"London" blurts out the Irishman.
"Oh. bugga!" says the barmaid. A great cheer goes up in the pub and she reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs.
Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra exposing a voluptuous bosom. Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed.
Paddy with concentration climbs aboard and goes for glory, and then, right at the climax, he suddenly screams out
"...............- D D D D D Derry!!"
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Of you go, Alan.... :lol:
https://www.i30ownersclub.com/forum/index.php?topic=9926.msg113458#msg113458 (https://www.i30ownersclub.com/forum/index.php?topic=9926.msg113458#msg113458)
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Warning to moderators!! If you throw the landlord in the HOS, there will be riot by the Tavern patrons!!!!
On second thoughts, there will also be free beer. HOS him now, I'm as dry as a dead dingo's donger. :mrgreen: :mrgreen:
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Oh well - that's stuffed that idea - I was hoping to keep the Tavern going for a while to exchange pub tales - I have quite a few.
The good die young..................... :blubber:
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Can you do a video link-up from the HOS perhaps?
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Unhossed :rofl:
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Unhossed :rofl:
Thank you Steve - that was in the nick of time.
One of my barmaids said "Because so few will visit us in the HOS and buy beer - you might as well close this place up anyway and open a brothel instead."
"What good would that do?" I replied, "If we can't get them in to drink beer, how we gonna get them to drink broth?"
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I am confused and still trying to work out a puzzle caused by the barmaid when she booked three guests into the B&B rooms the other evening for three nights.
She told them we had only one room available - a large one which they could share - the room rate being £ 150 for the three nights.
The guests agreed to jointly use the room and each gave the barmaid £50 as their share of the £150.
Some time later I appeared and told her that she had over-charged the guests - there was a discount applicable to more than one night’s booking - the correct rate being £ 50 for one night and £130 for three nights. She therefore went up to the room with £20 change for the guests.
It so happened that she decided to pocket £5 for herself and give only £15 to the guests. It would make it easier for them too, she decided, because it isn’t easy to share four £5 notes between three people.
The puzzle is this……………
Each guest paid £50 but got £5 back - so their outlay was £45 each….. or £135 collectively.
The barmaid kept £ 5
We can thus account for only £140 of the £150 - what has happened to the missing £10 ?.
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It's not missing.
They paid 150 but should have paid 130. In fact, they paid 135 following the refund of 15.
135 - 5 (that she kept) = 130.
They paid 5 too much :)
(We don't have the pound symbol on down-under computer keyboards).
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(We don't have the pound symbol on down-under computer keyboards).
Here's a spare one I had lying around, Dave.... £
Oh, and Scuba, how much did Alan slip you under the counter? :Shocked:
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(We don't have the pound symbol on down-under computer keyboards).
Here's a spare one I had lying around, Dave.... £
Oh, and Scuba, how much did Alan slip you under the counter? :Shocked:
When did you last update your computer? :lol:
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(We don't have the pound symbol on down-under computer keyboards).
Here's a spare one I had lying around, Dave.... £
Oh, and Scuba, how much did Alan slip you under the counter? :Shocked:
When did you last update your computer? :lol:
Hot key??? :whistler:
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Just stumbled across this pub.
Can I please have a real ale, either a London Pride or a Spitfire please. I'll just stand by the fire and sip my... don't even think about it, Pooch!!!
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Just stumbled across this pub.
Can I please have a real ale, either a London Pride or a Spitfire please. I'll just stand by the fire and sip my... don't even think about it, Pooch!!!
I've found that if you give him a sip of your beverage (he's not fussy) he doesn't become amorous with your leg. It's all he wants.
It makes him a bit wobbly by the end of the night mind you, by which time he tends to become amorous again with pub stool legs. :whistler:
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Just stumbled across this pub.
Can I please have a real ale, either a London Pride or a Spitfire please. I'll just stand by the fire and sip my... don't even think about it, Pooch!!!
And I'll have a stubby of Alexander Keith's India Pale Ale please.
While I watch the dog and Fatboy - who needs pole dancing? :happydance:
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Nowt but the best for me :whistler:
(http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y297/ShamblesX/imagesqtbnANd9GcQzyro3uk1nfqMPlWx4Y.jpg)
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Nowt but the best for me :whistler:
(http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y297/ShamblesX/imagesqtbnANd9GcQzyro3uk1nfqMPlWx4Y.jpg)
Nice name.
Is there a barmaids finger too?
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Nowt but the best for me :whistler:
(http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y297/ShamblesX/imagesqtbnANd9GcQzyro3uk1nfqMPlWx4Y.jpg)
I've heard about the Bishop and his finger.... :confused:
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Nowt but the best for me :whistler:
(http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y297/ShamblesX/imagesqtbnANd9GcQzyro3uk1nfqMPlWx4Y.jpg)
I've heard about the Bishop and his finger.... :confused:
.....said the barmaid :whistler:
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Oh, wasn't it the altar boy? :undecided: :whistler:
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(We don't have the pound symbol on down-under computer keyboards).
Here's a spare one I had lying around, Dave.... £
Oh, and Scuba, how much did Alan slip you under the counter? :Shocked:
When did you last update your computer? :lol:
Hot key??? :whistler:
Cut & Paste..... :p :rofl:
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Nowt but the best for me :whistler:
(http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y297/ShamblesX/imagesqtbnANd9GcQzyro3uk1nfqMPlWx4Y.jpg)
I've heard about the Bishop and his finger.... :confused:
.....said the barmaid :whistler:
and the nun with her dirty habit
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(We don't have the pound symbol on down-under computer keyboards).
Here's a spare one I had lying around, Dave.... £
Oh, and Scuba, how much did Alan slip you under the counter? :Shocked:
When did you last update your computer? :lol:
Hot key??? :whistler:
Cut & Paste..... :p :rofl:
I sort of figured that but couldn't resist the reference to that other topic. :wink:
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A well dressed and rather snooty lady came into the bar and ordered a pink gin.
Ever the one to make polite conversation, the barmaid remarked that she had not seen the lady here before and asked “where do you come from”
The lady stuck her nose in the air like she's checking for a bad smell, and replied, "Where I come from, we don't end our sentences with a preposition."
The barmaid smiled and said, "Fine. Where do you come from bitch!"
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I sort of figured that but couldn't resist the reference to that other topic. :wink:
And I figured you were referencing that...... :D
By the way, there is another more complicated way to do it if there's no pound symbol handy to cut & paste.....
Add "English (United Kingdom)" to the keyboard settings and when you need the pound symbol, go to the language bar (normally situated on your taskbar) and change to the UK settings.
Hopefully by then holding "Shift" and then hitting the "3" key, you'll now have the pound symbol.... :)
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It's quicker to write GBP.
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It's quicker to write GBP.
or ALT 0163 (hold the ALT key (on Windows) then type 0163 on the number pad)
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I was gonna suggest that one too but my laptop doesn't have a number pad so couldn't confirm it works on the forum. :undecided:
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Doesn't work on my notebook. :fum:
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It's quicker to write GBP.
or ALT 0163 (hold the ALT key (on Windows) then type 0163 on the number pad)
£
Woohoo!!! :happydance:
Now. What do we type for the euro?
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Now. What do we type for the euro?
Ctrl + Alt + 4 works for me
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Now. What do we type for the euro?
Ctrl + Alt + 4 works for me
nope.
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ALT 0128
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I started this pound sign nonsense off with my post which included pound signs.
If it will help - I am quite happy to re-visit my original post and edit the pounds into dollars - because we can all print a dollar sign.
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I started this pound sign nonsense off with my post which included pound signs.
If it will help - I am quite happy to re-visit my original post and edit the pounds into dollars - because we can all print a dollar sign.
Is that a USD or AUD? :undecided:
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ALT 0128
€
Yep that works. Thanks.
And Alan, this is good stuff if alittle off topic. :wink:
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... because we can all print a dollar sign.
Judging by the clientele in your tavern, I'm guessing they can all print dollar bills.
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It's quicker to write GBP.
or ALT 0163 (hold the ALT key (on Windows) then type 0163 on the number pad)
£
Woohoo!!! :happydance:
Now. What do we type for the euro?
Here you are so you can cut/paste:
£ = GBP
$ = Dollar
€ = Euro
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Is that a USD or AUD? :undecided:
Strangely enough, it's AU$ on the keyboard & screen. :happydance:
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One of our leading bowls players, well known for a number of things including, his love of motorbikes and his reputation as a well known womanizer, walked into the bar and ordered a drink. The barmaid thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong.
"I'm scared out of my mind," he replied. "Some seriously angry husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop seeing his wife."
"So stop," she said.
"I can't," he replied, taking a long swill of his XXX beer. "He didn't sign his name!"
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Most of our bowls players over here are your age Alan :whistler: Can't imagine them being womanisers (no offence) :lol:
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I got taken for a ride this lunchtime by a couple of wise guys who came into the pub for a drink. They called me over and asked me to settle an argument.
"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.
"There be two pints in a quart," I confirmed.
They moved back to the far end of the bar and the barmaid asked for their order.
"Two pints please, miss. They are on the house - the landlord offered to buy them for us."
The barmaid was a bit dubious that I would be so generous, so one of the fellows called out to me from the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right," I called back. "Two pints”
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^ reminds me of a similar joke involving Paddy, his neighbour, a pair of bedroom slippers and his two daughters
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^ reminds me of a similar joke involving Paddy, his neighbour, a pair of bedroom slippers and his two daughters
Can you please provide a link - or perhaps a phone number................ :evil:
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^ reminds me of a similar joke involving Paddy, his neighbour, a pair of bedroom slippers and his two daughters
Can you please provide a link - or perhaps a phone number................ :evil:
Most of our bowls players over here are your age Alan :whistler: Can't imagine them being womanisers (no offence) :lol:
On 2nd thoughts.... :whistler:
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Alan, while you were off at the HOS, a polar bear visited the tavern.
I was having a quiet pint when he approached the bar and said to one of your staff
"I'd like a rum................................and coke, please"
Your barman returned with the drink and said to the polar bear, "He's your drink, sir. Do you mind me asking, why the big pause?"
The polar bear replied, " I was born with them."
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:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Clean too :Shocked: :rofl:
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After the polar bear left, I grabbed another pint of Alan's best ale and wandered over to a spare table near where a lady and gentleman were sitting. This is what I overheard.
"This is a special day, I'm celebrating." said the man.
"What a coincidence," said the woman next to him. "I'm celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are your celebrating?" she asked the man.
"I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." he replied happily.
"What a coincidence," the woman said. "For my husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.
"I switched cocks," he replied. "What a coincidence," she said.
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:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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I joined the celebrating couple and had several more pints before nature called. But I had a serious problem.
I made several attempts to enter the gents toilet, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that I was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on my face.
"Sir," she said, "the ladies room is unoccupied. You may use it only if you promise not to touch the buttons on the wall."
I was about to explode, and would have promised anything, so I agreed to her terms.
The relief was pure joy, and as I sat there, savouring the feeling, I noticed the buttons I had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified with the letters: WW, WA and PP, and there was one red button labelled ATR.
Who would really know if I touched them? I could not just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so I pushed thw WW button. Warm Water was sprayed gently on my bottom. Such a nice feeling came over me, the men's washroom didn't have nice things like this. (I must have a word to Alan!)
Anticipating even greater pleasure, I pressed the WA button. Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying my underside. I knew what I was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, I pressed the PP button. A large Powder Puff caressed my bottom, adding a fragrant smell of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies room was far more than a restroom, it was a place of tender loving pleasure! I could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, I pressed what I knew was going to be the ultimate joy!
I knew I was in the hospital room as soon as I opened myeyes. A nurse was staring down at me with a smirk on her face.
"What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies restroom at the High and Dry Tavern!" I said, in a great deal of pain.
"You pushed too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover!"
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It's an easy mistake to make.
And very tempting, I'm sure.
I hope they were able to re-attach all the bits. Micro-surgery is a wonderful thing.
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After my recent restroom experience...... :sweating:
The Animals - We Gotta Get Out Of This Place (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3oVfry3Dwo#)
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A few months ago Paddy came into the tavern – and ordered three pints of Guinness. He then sat in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more.
This inspired my curiosity and I said to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Paddy smiled and explained, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here.. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the day when we drank together."
Paddy has remained a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. That was until last night when he came in and asked me for only two pints.
All the other regulars noticed this and fell silent. When he came back to the bar for the second round, I was truly concerned at the obvious implications and said, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."..... :hatoff:
Paddy looked confused for a moment, then a light dawned in his eyes and he laughed. "Oh, no," he said, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking." :drinks:
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:baps: (I hope it hasn't been on before) :-[
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:baps: (I hope it hasn't been on before) :-[
I did several searches with various permutations of words and came up empty.
That statement is surely going to provoke certain guys into spending the rest of the day on a frantic search project.................. :rofl: :kissmyass:
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:rofl: :goodjob2:
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:goodjob2: :rofl:
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Well, I'm back from hospital and thought I'd call into the High and Dry to face my fears.
Anyway, a man comes walking into Alan's bar with a little turtle in his hand. The turtle’s one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
Alan asks the man: “What is wrong with your turtle?”
“Nothing”, the man responds, “This turtle is very fast. Take your dog and let him stand at the end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. Before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there.”
So Alan, wanting to see this, calls his dog, Bruce, over (who was at the piano playing requests for tips).
Alan went to the other side of the bar and called Bruce. Then suddenly the guy picked up his turtle and threw it across the room, narrowly missing Alan and smashing into the wall.
“Told you it’ll be there before your dog.”
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Well I've turned up looking for peace and quite and to reflect on todays sporting results.
Everton lost 2-1 to Liverpool and my horse just lost by a nose or was it a boggie in the Grand National.
Ended up with a 2nd and 3rd so not a bad result. But the winnings don't cover my outlay as I bet on 4 horses and the other 2 fell.
So here I am all on my own sipping on my pint.......
Anyone for a game of darts....
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:wtf: :faint: :disapp: :wink:
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We've just had a couple of lawyers in the bar who ordered a drink each.
They then produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat them.
I was well miffed about this - so I marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The lawyers glanced up at me, shrugged their shoulders, looked at each other and then exchanged sandwiches.
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:goodjob: :lol:
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Alan, please find below the last "lawyer removal" tool.
You are welcome to borrow it for a short time to trial it's effectiveness on smart arse lawyers.
(http://i498.photobucket.com/albums/rr343/umongrel/x16642849.jpg)
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:rofl: :rofl: That made an impact.
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Anyone for a game of darts....
No, but I know a bloke who will give you a game of turtle tossing. :rofl:
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Anyone for a game of darts....
Only if you don't make me hold the board again. I'm still recovering from last time.
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Anyone for a game of darts....
Only if you don't make me hold the board again. I'm still recovering from last time.
I did that once .. felt a bit of a prick :lol:
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That was a bit pointed. :undecided:
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A blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a vicar, a priest, a rabbi, two giraffes and a duck, a farmer, a lawyer, an accountant, a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinaman, an Irishman, an Englishman, a Polish guy, and a Scotsman walked into our bar.
the barmaid took one look and said, "Hang on a minute, is this some sort of joke?"
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:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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This guy came into the bar, ogled our barmaid, then ordered a double martini on the rocks.
After he finished his drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, winked at the barmaid and ordered a second one.
After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket, smiled at her and ordered yet another double martini.
The barmaid was curious and said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replied, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look as good as you, then I know it's time to go home."
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A blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a vicar, a priest, a rabbi, two giraffes and a duck, a farmer, a lawyer, an accountant, a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinaman, an Irishman, an Englishman, a Polish guy, and a Scotsman walked into our bar.
the barmaid took one look and said, "Hang on a minute, is this some sort of joke?"
Obviously it was not not a joke Alan. You need to offer your staff better training in "Responsible Joke Identification".
It it were meant to be a joke there would have been a Texan, an Aussie, a Kiwi, a South African, a grasshopper named Harvey, a polar bear (big pause!!) and a horse (you know, long face).
:winker: :winker:
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You need to offer your staff better training in "Responsible Joke Identification".
It it were meant to be a joke there would have been a Texan, an Aussie, a Kiwi, a South African, a grasshopper named Harvey, a polar bear (big pause!!) and a horse (you know, long face).
You are of course quite right - I have spent far too much time recently on road testing cars and too little time on the barmaid.
I intend hiring John Cleese to teach her the basics of good cutomer relations as he so adequately demonstrated when he ran a hotel.
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You need to offer your staff better training in "Responsible Joke Identification".
It it were meant to be a joke there would have been a Texan, an Aussie, a Kiwi, a South African, a grasshopper named Harvey, a polar bear (big pause!!) and a horse (you know, long face).
You are of course quite right - I have spent far too much time recently on road testing cars and too little time on the barmaid.
I intend hiring John Cleese to teach her the basics of good cutomer relations as he so adequately demonstrated when he ran a hotel.
Perhaps John Cleese could bring Manuel. He could spend "time on the barmaid" to free you up for more importance managerial duties. :whistler:
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I have spent far too much time recently on road testing cars and too little time on the barmaid.
:Shocked: :confused:
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This old chap with a face as long as his name sat in the bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression.
I asked him, "What's the matter? "
The poor old chap said, "I had a big fight with 'er indoors and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
I said, "That should make you happy."
He replied, "You gotta be kidding, the month is up today!"
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:lol: :lol: :lol:
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While having a pint at the H&D today, a party of blind people arrived. They asked Alan if they can play football in the car park.
Alan replied, "Sure, but how will you see the ball?"
One of the blind blokes replied, "It's OK, the ball has a bell in it, that’s how we know where the ball is!"
"OK" says Alan "but mind the i30s in the carpark"
About half an hour later a man runs into the pub shouting.
Alan calms him down and asks what the problem is, "There's a load of blind people on the village green kicking shit out of the Morris Dancers!"
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:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
It's a long time since I saw Morris Dancers.
I remember them coming through the village when I was a kid (or child, as I was in England :undecided:)
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:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
It's a long time since I saw Morris Dancers.
I remember them coming through the village when I was a kid (or child, as I was in England :undecided:)
I bet you never saw them getting kicked by blind soccer players. :rofl:
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"There's a load of blind people on the village green kicking shit out of the Morris Dancers!"
I used to morris dance but I had to gave it up as I kept sliding off the bonnet.... :rofl:
I then took up tap dancing but I had to gave that up because I kept falling in the sink :happydance:
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"There's a load of blind people on the village green kicking shit out of the Morris Dancers!"
I used to morris dance but I had to gave it up as I kept sliding off the bonnet.... :rofl:
I then took up tap dancing but I had to gave that up because I kept falling in the sink :happydance:
What's your ballroom dancing like?............... :mrgreen:
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Painful...... :p
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"There's a load of blind people on the village green kicking shit out of the Morris Dancers!"
I used to morris dance but I had to gave it up as I kept sliding off the bonnet.... :rofl:
I then took up tap dancing but I had to gave that up because I kept falling in the sink :happydance:
What's your ballroom dancing like?............... :mrgreen:
1-2-3---4
2-3-4---1
3-4-1---2
4-1-2---3
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I see Alan has decided not to monkey around with his security. Finally, a female bouncer I can talk to :rofl:
(http://i498.photobucket.com/albums/rr343/umongrel/security.jpg)
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Are you sure that's not you, UM?
I reckon I can see the resemblance....... :lol:
A pair of sunnies and a hat and we wouldn't be able to tell you apart.... :p :D
(http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y150/rustynutz69/UM.jpg) (http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y150/rustynutz69/security.jpg)
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Are you sure that's not you, UM?
I reckon I can see the resemblance....... :lol:
A pair of sunnies and a hat and we wouldn't be able to tell you apart.... :p :D
(http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y150/rustynutz69/UM.jpg) (http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y150/rustynutz69/security.jpg)
Geezusss, rustynutz, you've blown my cover. :-[
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I was in the bar at lunchtime when an old fellow came in for his usual tipple.
Instead of his regular grumbles he asked if he could have something to eat. He said he fancied beans on toast and was really hungry so I organised the kitchen to serve him two cans of beans and two slices of toast which he wolfed down happily and left.
A short time later a policeman came in and said that an old fellow who had just been in the pub had collapsed and died.
I said, "That's rather sudden, he was full of beans when he left here!"
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:rofl:
He's probably expelled all his air. :whistler:
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Well, I liked it.... :goodjob:
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Oh dear, I was going to apply, but can't handle number 4, sorry. :'(
Calling Dazz. We need a "Pout" smiley please.
Here you Go Trev.. Uploaded now :Pout:
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A customer was so infatuated with our waitress he decided to ask her for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he tried to catch her eye, she quickly looked away.
Finally he followed her into the kitchen and confronted her. With a total lack of finesse, he blurted out his invitation.
To his amazement, she readily consented.
He said, "Why have you been avoiding me since you served me? You wouldn't even make eye contact."
"Oh," replied the waitress, "I thought you just wanted more coffee."
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A customer was so infatuated with our waitress he decided to ask her for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he tried to catch her eye, she quickly looked away.
Finally he followed her into the kitchen and confronted her. With a total lack of finesse, he blurted out his invitation.
To his amazement, she readily consented.
He said, "Why have you been avoiding me since you served me? You wouldn't even make eye contact."
"Oh," replied the waitress, "I thought you just wanted more coffee."
Once again, this event only highlights the poor training your staff receive, Alan. :fum:
I would have thought one of the duties of your waitress would be to ensure that your customers were looked after and topped up when necessary. :confused:
Your staff avoiding customers because they might need service is a shocking indictment on your management skills, Alan, and I suggest you lift your standards or give yourself an uppercut (or both) :mad:
Perhaps you need to spend less time on the barmaid and abit more time on the waitress. :faint:
Oh, and by the way, why are you selling coffee in a Tavern? Shame, shame, shame :rolleyes:
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Who got out of the wrong side of bed this morning? :eek:
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I would have thought one of the duties of your waitress would be to ensure that your customers were looked after and topped up when necessary. :confused:
I agree.
And it is the duty of customers to reciprocate.
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I would take a fish cake and a cup of coffee now.
Gone to brew a coffee; be back soon.
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Once again, this event only highlights the poor training your staff receive, Alan. :fum:
That's because he's never there, he's always o/s on "holiday" :mrgreen:
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^^^
Yeah. Bloody absentee owners. :evil: :P
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Oh, and by the way, why are you selling coffee in a Tavern? Shame, shame, shame :rolleyes:
There is absolutely nothing wrong with Irish coffee.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irish_coffee (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irish_coffee)
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Alan's new barman.
(http://i498.photobucket.com/albums/rr343/umongrel/bartitscare.jpg)
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So, he's importing labour from Thailand?
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And again, I want to undo my thoughts. :faint:
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See, he really didn't go to Cyprus :scared:
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Looks like I'm the first one in.
What's everyone having then? :D
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I'll have a Coonawarra Cab Sav please, where's Alan, not here again :happydance:
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I'll have a Coonawarra Cab Sav please :happydance:
Make that two :D
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About time, Dave. I'll have a pint of real ale, thanks. Where is that d-d-d-d-d-d-d-o-o-o-o-g-g-g-g. I just f-f-f-f-f-ound him. Stop it, n-n-n-n-ow.
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Actually, I'll have a water then. If you two aren't drinking, then neither will I.
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Actually, I'll have a water then. If you two aren't drinking, then neither will I.
:rofl: We're into it - I must have been out the back ;)
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These two men just walked into our bar.
"What do you want to drink, Donkey?" one of the men asked.
"A..A...A pa...pa..pi..pint o..of gi...gi..gi Guinness A..a pint of Guinness please." replied his mate, clearly suffering from a severe stammer.
The other man goes up to the bar and says to the barmaid. "Two pints of Guinness for me and my mate Donkey."
The guy takes the drinks back. "Here you go, Donkey."
Later when they finished their drinks the guy says to Donkey, "It's your round Donkey. Go get us a pint o' Guinness."
Donkey goes to the bar. "T..T...T..two pa..pa...pa..pi..pints o..o..of gi.. gin..gi..Guinness. Two pints of Guinness please."
When the barmaid was sure Donkey's friend wasn't listening she said, "I think it's an awful cheek him calling you Donkey."
"Oh," Donkey replies, "He..aw he..aw he..aw he always calls me that."
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I got chatting today with a really old chap in the lounge bar. He reckons he made his money out of being the inventor of crosswords.
I can't remember his name - it was P something T something R.
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:lol: :goodjob:
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I got chatting today with a really old chap in the lounge bar. He reckons he made his money out of being the inventor of crosswords.
I can't remember his name - it was P something T something R.
P-E-T-E-R
woohoo. I win. :happydance: :whistler:
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I'll have a coffee thanks,a flat white with no sugar. :wacko: :neutral:
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I'll have a coffee thanks,a flat white with no sugar. :wacko: :neutral:
I believe it is "The High and Dry Tavern" not "The High and Dry Cafe". Make it an Irish Coffee, and I'll join you. :D
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I'll have a coffee thanks,a flat white with no sugar. :wacko: :neutral:
I believe it is "The High and Dry Tavern" not "The High and Dry Cafe". Make it an Irish Coffee, and I'll join you. :D
splash a shot into my mug slim. :whistler:
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Hi guys, it's cold here tonight, I'll have a Baileys <--- to start :happydance:
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Did somebody say my name :whistler:
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What's your poison Dazz :question:
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I'll have a coffee thanks,a flat white with no sugar. :wacko: :neutral:
I believe it is "The High and Dry Tavern" not "The High and Dry Cafe". Make it an Irish Coffee, and I'll join you. :D
splash a shot into my mug slim. :whistler:
Done!! One shot for you, and two for me. Dazz, would you like an Irish Coffee?
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It would have to be a Bailey's :mrgreen:
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I was sitting in the High and Dry Tavern today watching the V8 Supercars in Perth. There were a lot of customers sitting around, including one group of little old ladies, partaking of a few drinks and enjoying the ambience.
A really old guy came in and sat at the next table to the old ladies.
Turns out he was an Irish WW2 Spitfire pilot and he got to reminiscing about his was experiences.
"In 1942', he says, 'the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. One day I was protecting these bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these Fokkers appeared".
There were a few gasps from the old ladies.
"I looked up and realised that two of the Fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other Fokker was right on my tail".
By now, the old ladies were blushing fiercely and looking decidely uncomfortable.
So, one of the people at the old pilot's table stood up and announced to the Tavern in general, "I should point out that "Fokker" was the name of the aircraft company which made many of the planes used by the Germans during the war".
"Yes, that's true', says the old pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerchmitts". !!
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A short time later there was a young guy sitting at the bar with 6 cartons of milk beside him
Why so much milk, Bruce (the barman) asked him.
"Well,' he replied, "My wife asked me to please go to the supermarket and get a carton of milk. Oh and if they have egss, get 6."
"They had eggs, so I got the six cartons of milk". :whistler:
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"In 1942', he says, 'the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. One day I was protecting these bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these Fokkers appeared".
There were a few gasps from the old ladies.
"I looked up and realised that two of the Fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other Fokker was right on my tail".
By now, the old ladies were blushing fiercely and looking decidely uncomfortable.
So, one of the people at the old pilot's table stood up and announced to the Tavern in general, "I should point out that "Fokker" was the name of the aircraft company which made many of the planes used by the Germans during the war".
"Yes, that's true', says the old pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerchmitts". !!
:goodjob: Lucky this isn't a TV channel you would be banned for life :winker: :whistler:
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You have to make allowances for the aged. The old chap must be at least 88 years old if he was flying a Spitfire in 1942. He is only copying what he hears his great grand kids say........................ :evil:
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"In 1942', he says, 'the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. One day I was protecting these bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these Fokkers appeared".
There were a few gasps from the old ladies.
"I looked up and realised that two of the Fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other Fokker was right on my tail".
By now, the old ladies were blushing fiercely and looking decidely uncomfortable.
So, one of the people at the old pilot's table stood up and announced to the Tavern in general, "I should point out that "Fokker" was the name of the aircraft company which made many of the planes used by the Germans during the war".
"Yes, that's true', says the old pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerchmitts". !!
:goodjob: Lucky this isn't a TV channel you would be banned for life :winker: :whistler:
Geez. You're a bit tough Dazz. Even Graham Kennedy didn't get banned for life. :snigger:
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"In 1942', he says, 'the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. One day I was protecting these bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these Fokkers appeared".
There were a few gasps from the old ladies.
"I looked up and realised that two of the Fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other Fokker was right on my tail".
By now, the old ladies were blushing fiercely and looking decidely uncomfortable.
So, one of the people at the old pilot's table stood up and announced to the Tavern in general, "I should point out that "Fokker" was the name of the aircraft company which made many of the planes used by the Germans during the war".
"Yes, that's true', says the old pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerchmitts". !!
:goodjob: Lucky this isn't a TV channel you would be banned for life :winker: :whistler:
Geez. You're a bit tough Dazz. Even Graham Kennedy didn't get banned for life. :snigger:
I recognized the joke as the one some comedian got a lifetime TV ban for... I forget his name :lol:
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I recognized the joke as the one some comedian got a lifetime TV ban for... I forget his name :lol:
Hermann Goering?
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Ned Giles was in the pub again today - we haven't seen him for a few weeks.
He's been in hospital after an industrial accident - he works at a factory in the town and fell into an upholstery machine.
Good to see him back now he is fully recovered.
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Just popped in for a swift half.
Quite at the moment but should liven up once BGT starts on TV.
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Ned Giles was in the pub again today - we haven't seen him for a few weeks.
He's been in hospital after an industrial accident - he works at a factory in the town and fell into an upholstery machine.
Good to see him back now he is fully recovered.
I don't think he is fully recovered yet, he still gets the stitch if he runs up hills :whistler:
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I don't think he is fully recovered yet, he still gets the stitch if he runs up hills :whistler:
I don't know how you think 'em up................. :rofl:
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I don't think he is fully recovered yet, he still gets the stitch if he runs up hills :whistler:
I don't know how you think 'em up................. :rofl:
I don't understand my twisted sense of humour either :confused:
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Since getting back he's really become a part of the fabric of society.
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Since getting back he's really become a part of the fabric of society.
Don't you find he panics a bit if he gets hemmed in at the bar? :happydance: :happydance: :rofl: :rofl:
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It's a wonder he wasn't killed - he was lucky that something cushioned his fall.
-
Since getting back he's really become a part of the fabric of society.
Don't you find he panics a bit if he gets hemmed in at the bar? :happydance: :happydance: :rofl: :rofl:
Darn it!!! - You now got me in stitches............. :rofl:
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Since getting back he's really become a part of the fabric of society.
Don't you find he panics a bit if he gets hemmed in at the bar? :happydance: :happydance: :rofl: :rofl:
Darn it!!!-You now got me in stitches............. :rofl:
Actually he's getting pretty good at threading through the crush.
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We are going to have to stop this - you are needling me..................... :evil:
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We are going to have to stop this - you are needling me..................... :evil:
Oh I don't know. Sofa Sogood.
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We are going to have to stop this - you are needling me..................... :evil:
Oh I don't know. Sofa Sogood.
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH
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Sister Mary from the village convent was in here earlier.
She was looking terrible - I have never seen anyone look worse. She usually comes in with her collection tin but this time - to my amazement - she downed a couple of neat whiskies then went on her way.
Our village doctor came in afterwards and I told him sister Mary looked ill - but he knew all about it.
He told me that he had advised her this morning that she was pregnant.
"Oh dear" says I "How awful for her"
"Oh it’s not all that bad" explained the doctor "I just told her that because it was the quickest way to cure her week-old hiccups".
-
I was in the H & D having a quite pint when two of Alan's regulars came in.
They both ordered a Guinness and sat down near me. I couldn't help overhearing their conversation.
Paddy says to Mick, "Mick, I'm thinkin of buying a Labrador"
"Sod that" Mick replied "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
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:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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:cool: :happydance:
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An old wino staggers into the H & D and Alan's barman immediately told him to get out. The tramp said that he would only leave if the barman gave him a cocktail stick. The barman, thinking this was a fair exchange, gladly gave the man a cocktail stick and watched him stagger back outside.
A minute later another old wino walked into the bar and got asked to leave by the barman. This drunk also demanded a cocktail stick if he was to leave quietly. There had been no trouble the first time so, once again, Alan's barman obliged and the old drunk quietly left.
Soon after, a third wino came into the barman and without hesitation the barman offered him a cocktail stick to leave. This time though the drunk turned him down and said he would only leave if the barman gave him a drinking straw.
Curiosity finally got the better of Alan's barman and he asked the old drunk why he wanted a drinking straw when the other two drunks had asked for cocktail sticks.
The wino said "Well, someone was sick outside and all the lumpy bits have gone now!"
-
You are trying too hard to be popular. I'm not at all sure that this gag (joke) will go down too well. Anyway - has it been regurgitated from an old post?.......(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v308/AlanHo1937/i30%20Forum/Animations/Sick-1.gif)
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^^
That's sick. :disapp:
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I'm too busy to read this.
I have to go and finish cooking my carrot stew for dinner. :)
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I'm throwing up whether I liked that joke or not :undecided:
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I'm too busy to read this.
I have to go and finish cooking my carrot stew for dinner. :)
If you smell it - don't sniff too hard and get bits stuck in your nose
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Got there too late I'm afraid and it was burnt.
Spewing.
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(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v308/AlanHo1937/i30%20Forum/Animations/Sick-1.gif)
:hahaha:
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^^
That's sick. :disapp:
Thanks Trev. :goodjob2:
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Paddy was drunk and on his knees beneath a street-light outside the High and Dry, evidently looking for something. A passer-by, being a good Samaritan, offered to help. "What is it you have lost?" he asked.
"Me bloody gold watch," replied Paddy. "It fell off when I tripped over on da footpath."
The passer-by joined in the search but after a quarter of an hour, there was still no sign of the watch. "Where exactly did you trip?" asked the passer-by.
"About half a block up da street," replied Paddy.
"Then why are you looking for your watch here if you lost it half a block up the street?"
"Because da bloody light's a lot better here." replied Paddy
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An old wino staggers into the H & D and Alan's barman immediately told him to get out. The tramp said that he would only leave if the barman gave him a cocktail stick. The barman, thinking this was a fair exchange, gladly gave the man a cocktail stick and watched him stagger back outside.
A minute later another old wino walked into the bar and got asked to leave by the barman. This drunk also demanded a cocktail stick if he was to leave quietly. There had been no trouble the first time so, once again, Alan's barman obliged and the old drunk quietly left.
Soon after, a third wino came into the barman and without hesitation the barman offered him a cocktail stick to leave. This time though the drunk turned him down and said he would only leave if the barman gave him a drinking straw.
Curiosity finally got the better of Alan's barman and he asked the old drunk why he wanted a drinking straw when the other two drunks had asked for cocktail sticks.
The wino said "Well, someone was sick outside and all the lumpy bits have gone now!"
Very classy, UM...... :lol:
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An old wino staggers into the H & D and Alan's barman immediately told him to get out. The tramp said that he would only leave if the barman gave him a cocktail stick. The barman, thinking this was a fair exchange, gladly gave the man a cocktail stick and watched him stagger back outside.
A minute later another old wino walked into the bar and got asked to leave by the barman. This drunk also demanded a cocktail stick if he was to leave quietly. There had been no trouble the first time so, once again, Alan's barman obliged and the old drunk quietly left.
Soon after, a third wino came into the barman and without hesitation the barman offered him a cocktail stick to leave. This time though the drunk turned him down and said he would only leave if the barman gave him a drinking straw.
Curiosity finally got the better of Alan's barman and he asked the old drunk why he wanted a drinking straw when the other two drunks had asked for cocktail sticks.
The wino said "Well, someone was sick outside and all the lumpy bits have gone now!"
Very classy, UM...... :lol:
Thanks, mate. I knew you'd recognise class crass when you saw it :D
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We had a commercial traveler in the bar trying to sell the barmaid some eye make-up called 14th February.
He said it was American and was so named to commemorate the days of prohibition in the USA .
The barmaid said she didn’t understand the significance.
He explained “Its St Valentines day mascara”
Meanwhile I was chatting to the local squire who is a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower. He was with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde who knocked everyone's socks off with her youthful appeal and charm. She was hanging onto his arm and listening intently to his every word. She was so gorgeous, she commanded everyone’s attention
After a while, my curiosity quite overcame me and when he came to the bar to order more drinks I whispered, "How did you get the trophy girlfriend"?
"Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
"So, how did you persuade her to marry you"?
"I lied about my age."
"What, did you tell her you were only 50"?
"No, I told her I'm 90."
-
That one reminds me of my Dad (who is 90 in July) .. A couple of times a female has helped him find his XK8 Jaguar in the car park.. He usually manages to get their phone number once they see his car :faint:
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That one reminds me of my Dad (who is 90 in July) .. A couple of times a female has helped him find his XK8 Jaguar in the car park.. He usually manages to get their phone number once they see his car :faint:
:lol: Good on 'im.
Does he know what to do with them though Dazz?
It's like the dog that used to chase cars until one day it caught one. Then it didn't quite know what to do with it. :)
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Dazzler's Dad finally catches a live one :mrgreen:
(http://i498.photobucket.com/albums/rr343/umongrel/super_funny_pictures_of_20_dirty_old_men_19_20090729_1878379928.jpg)
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That one reminds me of my Dad (who is 90 in July) .. A couple of times a female has helped him find his XK8 Jaguar in the car park.. He usually manages to get their phone number once they see his car :faint:
:lol: Good on 'im.
Does he know what to do with them though Dazz?
It's like the dog that used to chase cars until one day it caught one. Then it didn't quite know what to do with it. :)
He doesn't tell me about that bit... :lol:
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Dazzler's Dad finally catches a live one :mrgreen:
(http://i498.photobucket.com/albums/rr343/umongrel/super_funny_pictures_of_20_dirty_old_men_19_20090729_1878379928.jpg)
the dead ones haven't been much help at helping him find his car... :whistler:
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Dazzler's Dad finally catches a live one :mrgreen:
(http://i498.photobucket.com/albums/rr343/umongrel/super_funny_pictures_of_20_dirty_old_men_19_20090729_1878379928.jpg)
Wow, the family likeness is unvelieveable. :lol:
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The winner of this week’s poetry competition is Old Ned with this one :-
This bar is dark and dreary
and the air don't smell too sweet
I'd go 'ome but my legs won't let me
cuz my shoes are full of feet.
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The winner of this week’s poetry competition is Old Ned with this one :-
This bar is dark and dreary
and the air don't smell too sweet
I'd go 'ome but my legs won't let me
cuz my shoes are full of feet.
And the runner up from old Fred:
I've been 'ere every day this week
An' I've had my share of luck
But I'm off 'ome now to see the wife
And give her a real good talking to.
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A drop dead gorgeous young blonde came into the pub this afternoon whilst we were really quiet - in fact she was the only customer. I was delighted to have someone to talk to.
The conversation drifted round such subjects as weather, sport, politics and sex - and I asked her if she knew the difference between sex and a conversation.
She said "No"
So I replied "Good. Go and lie down on the leather sofa in the corner. I am going to give you a good talking to"
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A drop dead gorgeous young blonde came into the pub this afternoon whilst we were really quiet - in fact she was the only customer. I was delighted to have someone to talk to.
The conversation drifted round such subjects as weather, sport, politics and sex - and I asked her if she knew the difference between sex and a conversation.
She said "No"
So I replied "Good. Go and lie down on the leather sofa in the corner. I am going to give you a good talking to"
I think that was Fred :undecided:
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A drop dead gorgeous young blonde came into the pub this afternoon whilst we were really quiet - in fact she was the only customer. I was delighted to have someone to talk to.
The conversation drifted round such subjects as weather, sport, politics and sex - and I asked her if she knew the difference between sex and a conversation.
She said "No"
So I replied "Good. Go and lie down on the leather sofa in the corner. I am going to give you a good talking to"
I think that was Fred :undecided:
No. Roger
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It's Friday night and I'm feeling trapped
I want to get away
So I wait until she's out of sight
And I set upon my way
I have in mind, where I will go
And I'm off, giving it a try
If all goes well, in half an hour
I'll be at the 'High & Dry'
When I first walk in it's half past seven
And I see a familiar sight
Within a minute or two, I'm in heaven
With a beer and a promising night
I only intend to stay a while
But times flies, really fast
I have a drink, and then another
Surely this must be my last
I have one last, and then two lasts
And before I know it
The world goes blurry, my mouth feels furry
And I see my world go past
It's half past ten and I know I'm missed
So I head off out the door
It's then I realize how much I'm pissed
And I crash on to the floor
My mates come over and pick me up
Dust me off. "Are you OK?"
I say, "Yeah, of course I am"
And with a wink, I'm on my way
It's eleven o'colock when I get home
And I don't expect a kiss
But there she is, at the door
Her scowl I cannot miss
I take my flight and head for bed
With ne'er a glance o'er my shoulder
Then next 'tis dawn, and I feel so forlorn
And I swear, I'm ten years older.
My head, it hurts. My mouth is dry
And all I want is water
But the wife knows this and with a smile
She only gives me torture
For three hours of pleasure I know I've had
From now I know my nights
Will be missing all important things
As she removes my conjugal rights
I go without for the next six days
Not knowing what to do
Then comes Thursday night, it's on again
And she comes shining through
Ah, marriage truly is so great
And there's no way I'd swap this
Well, until next Friday night that is
When I get back on the piss.
Here's to the High & Dry. ;)
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Bloody 'ell Dave - that's very good. :brilliant: It must have taken you quite a few minutes to compose it.
You should have included a verse where Hyundai rhymes with High and Dry.............................. :rofl: :rofl:
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Bloody 'ell Dave - that's very good. :brilliant: It must have taken you quite a few minutes to compose it.
You should have included a verse where Hyundai rhymes with High and Dry.............................. :rofl: :rofl:
That's why I've been "M.I.A." for a few minutes ;)
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I liked this verse best...
It's half past ten and I know I'm missed
So I head off out the door
It's then I realize how much I'm pissed
And I crash on to the floor
One of my work colleagues did this a week or two ago and swears he will never drink again...
Black eye, bleedin' nose, big gouge in top of his nose where his glasses dug in + bent glasses...
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Old Ned was telling me about his trip to the dentist
He went to have a tooth pulled.
The dentist took out a needle to give him a shot of Novocain.
"No way" says Ned, "no needles, I can't stand needles."
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas but Ned again objected. "No gas, please, the mask on my face is suffocating to me."
The dentist then asked him if he had any objection to taking a pill.
"No," said Ned, "I'm fine with pills."
The dentist then returned and says "Here's a Viagra tablet."
Ned said "Wow, I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain pill."
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
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I was sitting in the Tavern with some bloke last night when he said, "I'm going to buy you a large whiskey and I want you to knock it back."
"Ok" I replied.
As he put it on the table I said, "No thanks mate, I don't want it."
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What a waste. :lol:
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A pirate came into the bar yesterday. Our barman said, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'
'What do you mean?' replies the pirate. 'I feel fine.'
The barman inquired, 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'
The pirate responded, 'Well, we were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball. But I'm fine now.'
The barman said, 'Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'
The pirate replied, 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'
The bartender probed further, 'What about that eye patch?'
The pirate explains, 'Oh, one day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye.'
'You're kidding,' replied the bartender. 'You lost an eye just from bird crap?'
'No - it was my first day with the hook.'.............................
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^^^
Groan.
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^^^
Groan.
Safe from HOS as you can't HOS a joke in H&D Tavern otherwise the whole thread goes, doesn't it.
Must remember to put naff jokes in here :whistler:
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^^^
Groan.
Safe from HOS as you can't HOS a joke in H&D Tavern otherwise the whole thread goes, doesn't it.
Must remember to put naff jokes in here :whistler:
Wow. That's the first thing where the other forum I'm on has something this doesn't. On that one I can "Move Posts". I guess you could split the topic and move a post that way.
But, hey. It's not a bad thing to revisit old jokes anyway. That's what happens in a pub, right? Especially as the night goes on. :whistler: :snigger:
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... the other forum I'm on has something this doesn't. On that one I can "Move Posts" ...
I can take a hint :P
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Three guys were in the bar – well the worse for drink - and having a bragging contest.
The Italian said, "When I've a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats a 6 inches abov'a da bed in ecstasy."
The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."
The Hells Angel said "That's nothing buddy. When I've finished doin it to my ol lady I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my dongle on the curtains. She hits the freaking roof!!!"
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:cool!: :clapping:
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I think you'll find the Hell's Angel was an Aussie :D
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I think you'll find the Hell's Angel was an Aussie :D
Nah, Yank.....
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... the other forum I'm on has something this doesn't. On that one I can "Move Posts" ...
I can take a hint :P
:whistler:
Nah mate. It was a genuine compliment. This site should be used as a "how to" training aid for budding (and existing) forum administrators.
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I can take a hint :P
Nah mate. It was a genuine compliment.
I meant I'll try and code a function in to allow it to happen, then we can be as good as your other forum :P
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I can take a hint :P
Nah mate. It was a genuine compliment.
I meant I'll try and code a function in to allow it to happen, then we can be as good as your other forum :P
Thanks Steve.
Only a minor refinement in th eoverall scheme of things.
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I sat next to strange bloke in the H&D the other day.
As I sat down, out of the blue he said "I was married three times and I'll never marry again. My first two wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my last wife died of a fractured skull."
"That's a terrible shame." I said, trying to console him, "How did it happen?"
"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!" he replied.
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Another good one Terry :lol: :lol:
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I've got trouble with the wife again - she came into the High & Dry looking for me and I asked for her number. :eek: :scared:
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:TutTut: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
-
It was a very quiet night a t the High and Dry.
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar (apart from me) and asks if he could buy him a drink.
'Why, of course,' comes the reply.
The first man then asks, 'Where are you from?'
'I'm from Ireland,' replies the second man.
The first man responded, 'You don't say. I'm from Ireland too. Let's have another round to Ireland.'
'Of course,' replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks, 'Where in Ireland are you from?'
'Dublin,' comes the reply.
'I can't believe it,' says the first man, 'I'm from Dublin too. Let's have another drink to Dublin.'
'Of course,' replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, 'What school did you go to?' '
St Mary's,' replies the second man, 'I graduated in 1962.'
'Dat's unbelievable,' the first man says. 'I went to St Mary's and I graduated in 1962 too'
By this time, I was curious too. 'What the hell is going on here?' I asked Alan.
'Oh, nothing much,' replies Alan. 'The O'Malley twins are drunk again.'
-
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
-
Geezzz, it's been quite in here lately!!!
I popped in for a pint on the way home the other day and lo and behold, Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods were having a few brews together.
Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Tiger replies, "Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing, but I've got that going right now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Tiger asks, somewhat unbelievably, "You play golf?"
Stevie replies, "Oh hell yes, I've been playing for years."
Still not believing, Tiger asks, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Stevie replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and I play the ball toward his voice."
"But how do you putt?" asks Tiger.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Tiger, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Tiger thinks about it and says, ""Okay, I'm game for that. When would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick any night you like."
-
Sounds like a level playing field to me :lol:
-
Earlier this evening, just after Stevie and Tiger left to play a round of golf, in walks this bloke and he's got two wooden legs, the kind that pirates wear.
So Alan's bartender comes over and says, "Can I help you get to the bar?"
"No thanks sonny. I lost both legs in the Falklands and I've been using these ever since, I'm as good on these as I am on real legs."
And he props himself up at the bar and spends the evening drinking. Towards the end of the evening he calls Alan's bartender over and asks where the toilet is.
"It's an outhouse out in the yard" says the bartender. "Look, it's dark, muddy and there's all kinds of rubbish out there. I'll come with you and make sure you're all right."
"No need, sonny. I told you, I'm as good on these as I am on real legs."
He disappears outside and is gone for ages. When he eventually reappears, he's covered in mud and crap, he's bleeding and all his clothes are torn.
"See!" says Alan's bartender. "I knew I should have come with you! You fell, didn't you?"
"Naw..." says the old soldier, 'I'm sitting there doing my business and I hear a voice saying, "Who the hell left that wheelbarrow there?' and I got dragged right across the bloody courtyard..."
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:lol: Wheely funny.
-
:snigger: & :rofl: :goodjob:
-
After the old soldier got cleaned up and his wooden legs shaved, these two really attractive, bubbly blondes came crashing through the front door.
You know the type, made up to the hilt, low-cut tops, short, short skirts, CFM boots, etc.
They came up to the bar, sat down, and ordered drinks. They were making quite a lot of noise and were very happy and pleased with themselves and it was obvious to Alan's bartender that they were celebrating something big.
His curiosity finally got the better of him and he wandered over and said, "I hate to be nosy, but it's obvious that you two are celebrating something big. What's the occasion?"
"One blonde replies "Well, we are just sooo proud of ourselves, because we just finished, just the two of us alone all by ourselves with no one else, a 50 piece jigsaw puzzle in only 3 days."
Confused, the bartender says "So what's so special about that?"
The other blonde said , "Derrrr, on the box it says 3 - 5 years."
-
After the old soldier got cleaned up and his wooden legs shaved, these two really attractive, bubbly blondes came crashing through the front door.
You know the type, made up to the hilt, low-cut tops, short, short skirts, CFM boots, etc.
They came up to the bar, sat down, and ordered drinks. They were making quite a lot of noise and were very happy and pleased with themselves and it was obvious to Alan's bartender that they were celebrating something big.
His curiosity finally got the better of him and he wandered over and said, "I hate to be nosy, but it's obvious that you two are celebrating something big. What's the occasion?"
"One blonde replies "Well, we are just sooo proud of ourselves, because we just finished, just the two of us alone all by ourselves with no one else, a 50 piece jigsaw puzzle in only 3 days."
Confused, the bartender says "So what's so special about that?"
The other blonde said , "Derrrr, on the box it says 3 - 5 years."
Dave, with what you and I have seen going on in the High and Dry lately, it looks like Alan doesn't pop in too often to check things out.
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No, he's been away in the highlands on holiday but it's about time he dropped in so we can buy him a beer or a glass of red and fill him in, so to speak. :)
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No, he's been away in the highlands on holiday but it's about time he dropped in so we can buy him a beer or a glass of red and fill him in, so to speak. :)
Right!!!! I'll get the beers, YOU fill Alan in. :scared:
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:faint: :scared: :undecided:
-
:faint: :scared: :undecided:
And, NO, I won't do a tag team. :eek:
-
You really have changed in recent times, haven't you... :)
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You really have changed in recent times, haven't you... :)
You said you wouldn't tell anyone. :faint:
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Can you believe this?
Three vampires walked into the High and Dry.
The bartender asks the first one "What'll ya have"?
The first vampire says: "I vant some bluud".
Disgusted, the bartender looks at the next vampire and says, "What about you"?
The second vampire says "I vant some bluud".
Ready to throw them all out, the bartender looks at the third vampire and says: "I suppose you want blood too"?
The third vampire says: "No, I'll just have plasma...bluud lite"
-
Can you believe this?
Three vampires walked into the High and Dry.
The bartender asks the first one "What'll ya have"?
The first vampire says: "I vant some bluud".
Disgusted, the bartender looks at the next vampire and says, "What about you"?
The second vampire says "I vant some bluud".
Ready to throw them all out, the bartender looks at the third vampire and says: "I suppose you want blood too"?
The third vampire says: "No, I'll just have plasma...bluud lite"
:mrgreen:
give them blood diluted with holy water
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That's pretty funny Terry :rofl: :rofl:
-
The town drunk had been thrown out of the High & Dry dozens of time so he sent his young son to fetch him some gin.
The boy told Alan's bartender that his dad wanted some gin.
Alan's bartender, winking at his customers, said, "There are three kinds of gin, hydrogin, nitrogin, and oxygin. Which kind does your dad want?"
The boy said he didn't know but would go ask. The bar patrons had a good laugh at bartender's cleverness.
The boy returned and Alan's bartender said, "What did your Dad say?"
The boy replied, "My dad said to tell you that there are three kinds of turds, musturd, custurd, and you, you big sh*t".
-
:lol:
It could be on tomorrow night then ...... :D
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That boy. I like him already :rofl:
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That boy. I like him already :rofl:
I think his name might be Johnny :mrgreen:
-
I wonder whether he will get to his turdith birthday
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Whilst having a tipple this evening, I noticed a rather scruffy looking chap walk into the bar.
He ordered four shots of the most expensive 30-year-old single malt Scotch whisky and downs them one after the other.
Alan's bartender says, "You seem to be in a great hurry.x
The scruffy bloke says, "You would be too if you had what I have."
Quite concerned, Alan's bartender asks, "What have you got?"
" Fifty pence", came the reply.
-
Groan..
I said that once but the bar staff didn't see the funny side of the jest.
-
:foottap: :foottap: :foottap:
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db80 and Ugly Mongrel were sitting at the bar, having a quiet pint, when someone mentioned politics....then all hell broke loose. :scared:
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I'll 'ave a 'alf :)
-
Anyhow, the last time I was in the High & Dry, I overheard this professional dance teacher who'd finished dinner and was trying to teach this young guy how to dance.
He was having all sorts of trouble (he didn't seem to be too bright).
In the end she got a bit annoyed with him and said, "Look Craig, you're a Labor MP and this is how you do the ALP dance. It's not that hard. Even you could do this. All you have to do is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step, side-step and turn around." :)
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And Craig replied, "why can't we just do Rock Scissors Paper like we normally do when developing policy"?
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A Dyslexic man walked into our our bra today...........................
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Did he order a weni?
He should stick with a XXXX.
He'd have less trouble with that. ;)
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We put up a sign in our restaurant that read “Unique All-Day Breakfast” to try and attract more business during the credit crunch.
A guy came in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.
“What’s your ‘Unique Breakfast?’” he asked.
“Baked tongue of chicken with salad,” she replied.
“Baked tongue of chicken?… Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken’s mouth!” he fumed.
Undaunted, the waitress asked, “What would you like then?”
“Just bring me scrambled eggs,” the man replied.
]
-
He would have had to shell out a bit for that breakfast.
-
We put up a sign in our restaurant that read “Unique All-Day Breakfast” to try and attract more business during the credit crunch.
A guy came in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.
“What’s your ‘Unique Breakfast?’” he asked.
“Baked tongue of chicken with salad,” she replied.
“Baked tongue of chicken?… Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken’s mouth!” he fumed.
Undaunted, the waitress asked, “What would you like then?”
“Just bring me scrambled eggs,” the man replied.
]
:lol: :goodjob:
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Where did you poach that joke from?
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:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Very funny yolk :mrgreen:
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He heard it while he was away on hollandaise. :)
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I think it is an eggageration and quite hard to swallow :whistler:
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That's a poultry excuse.
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You guys crack me up! :lol:
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Glad you could "pluck" up the courage to post, Rusty. :D
For a while there I thought you were too chicken.
-
Question:
Why is an egg tapered at one end?
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Glad you could "pluck" up the courage to post, Rusty. :D
For a while there I thought you were too chicken.
I was spurred on....normally the jokes in the H & D are too fowl for me... :undecided:
-
Question:
Why is an egg tapered at one end?
In case it needs to be put back to cock a bit longer.
-
Question:
Why is an egg tapered at one end?
In case it needs to be put back to cock a bit longer.
I hope you meant to type "cook" :whistler:
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Question:
Why is an egg tapered at one end?
In case it needs to be put back to cock a bit longer.
I hope you meant to type "cook" :whistler:
Otherwise the rooster WILL have something to crow about. :snigger:
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You probably won't believe it, but that really was a genuine typo. I was tired.
Just saw it now.
:lol: :lol: :lol:
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You probably won't believe it, but that really was a genuine typo. I was tired.
Just saw it now.
:lol: :lol: :lol:
:whistler:
Sssuuurre.
:snigger:
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An "unfortunate" typo :mrgreen:
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But sworn on my grandkids' lives, an honest one. :)
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But sworn on my grandkids' lives, an honest one. :)
Whoa, no need to do that, I'd accept your word anyday :goodjob2:
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An "unfortunate" typo :mrgreen:
Or a Freudian slip
:whistler:
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Anyway not the right response..............
It is tapered otherwise if it wasn't could you imagine the pain and suffering as it emerges from the hen if it was square shaped.
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This notice has appeared on our board :-
Wayne
Please contact me soon!
Bring three rings: Engagement, wedding, and teething.
Have news.
Debbie
-
This notice has appeared on our board :-
Wayne aka AlanHo
Please contact me soon!
Bring three rings: Engagement, wedding, and teething.
Have news.
Debbie
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Paddy was in the bar this afternoon. I noticed that his glass was empty and asked if he would like another one.
No thanks" he replied "what would I do with two empty glasses"
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This notice has appeared on our board :-
Wayne aka AlanHo
Please contact me soon!
Bring three rings: Engagement, wedding, and teething.
Have news.
Debbie
I imagine Alan would be pretty chuffed about that. :whistler: :snigger:
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We have a vacancy for a barman.
Paddy, who has worked here for a few years has quit.
It appears that he read in the Daily Star that 75% of all accidents occur within a 5 mile radius of home. So he moved house 15 miles away to the next village.
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An oldie .. but i like it :goodjob2: :snigger:
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And 10% of all road accidents are caused by people who drink, meaning 90% are caused by people who don't.
So has he taken up (or continued) drinking too, just to keep safe?
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Last evening this Hells Angel came into the bar - covered in studs and tattoos with his hair in a pony tail. He strutted up to the barman and said “Whose the bestest and most strongest bugger in the room”.
Not one for trouble, the barman shrugged and said “You are”.
The punk spit on the floor and then went nose to nose with the gaffer snarling “Who do you think is the bestest and toughest sod here”.
The gaffer barman saw no point in lowering himself to his level and said “You are”.
The Hells Angel - now on a roll - went belly to belly with old Ned at the bar, poked him forcibly on the shoulder and said “And who do you reckon is the biggest, roughest and strongest real man who could pee all over you lot”.
Without hesitation old Ned grabbed the punk by the scruff of the neck and hurled him across the room, bouncing him off the wall. As the punk slid to the floor in a dishevelled heap, Ned followed up with a lightning kick in the groin then took out his willy and proceeded to give the punk a warm wash.
The punk staggered to his feet and said “Christ man, just because you don’t know the answer, there’s no need to get so snotty”
-
The village priest was having a quiet drink in the lounge bar last night when the door burst open and Sister Mary burst in. She was clearly in a very advanced state of agitation.
“Father!” she cried, “just wait until you hear this!”
The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, “Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?”
“Well, Father” the nun began, “I was in the public bar with my collection tin and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!”
“A serious infraction, indeed!” said the priest.
“But that’s not what has me so shocked, Father,” replied the nun, “it was what they were wagering on! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!”
“What an incredible wager!” exclaimed the priest, “What did you do?”
“Well, I hit the ceiling, father.”
To which the priest replied, “How much did you win?”
-
:rofl: :rofl:
Back to the Hy & Dry :goodjob2:
-
:rofl: :rofl:
Back to the Hy & Dry :goodjob2:
Not bad.
When I posted it the setting was two schools side by side, one Catholic and on Protestant. Tha latters toilets broke down and the kids were allowed to use the Catholic schools toilets.
And the puch line was, "Well done Sister. Don't let those Protestant bastards beat us at anything".
-
:rofl: :rofl:
Back to the Hy & Dry :goodjob2:
Not bad.
When I posted it the setting was two schools side by side, one Catholic and on Protestant. Tha latters toilets broke down and the kids were allowed to use the Catholic schools toilets.
And the puch line was, "Well done Sister. Don't let those Protestant bastards beat us at anything".
Oh. And my mother told me that joke when I was still in high school. (without the word "bastards").
-
Alf was in the bar again tonight - a strange bloke who suffers from delusions.
Tonight he started off standing on a table and singing opera in a falsetto voice as loud as he could - then he was holding out his arms horizontally and "flying" round the bar making Fokker aeroplane noises. Most people in the bar were regulars and used to it - but strangers must have wondered what was going on.
The regulars had seen it so many times they had concluded that when so intoxicated, he clearly imagined himself to be either a temptress in a Bizet opera or to be the head of the German Luftwaffe in WW2.
The consensus of our drinkers was that when Alf was in that state, he didn't know whether he was Carmen or Goerring.
-
A guy walks into The High & Dry and orders a drink. He finishes his drink and goes back outside. He finds his horse missing.
He goes back into the bar and states angrily, "If my horse isn't back by the time I finish my next drink, I'm going to have to do what I did the last time my horse stolen. And I don't want to have to do that again."
So he orders an another drink and finishes it. When goes outside again, he finds his horse back.
As he's leaving, Alan comes up to him and asks, "What was it that you did the last time your horse was stolen?"
The man replies, "I had to walk home."
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:lol: Not bad Terry :goodjob:
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:rofl:
-
Two mates are sitting at the bar in the High & Dry and talking about another guy sitting at the other end of the bar.
"I don't get it," complained the first bloke, "He's not good looking, he has absolutely no taste in clothes, and he drives a beat up wreck of a car, yet he always manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!"
"Yeah," replies his mate, "He's not even a very good conversationally, all he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows."
-
Snot what you've got, 'tis how you use it. :wink:
Apparently? :undecided:
-
An Aussie, a little man, was sitting at the bar in the High & Dry when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Aussie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor.
The big, burly Yank says,"That's a karate chop from Korea."
Well, the Aussie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer. The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor.
"That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.
The Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves.
A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank bastard sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out.
The Aussie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a fu#*ing crowbar from the back of my ute."
-
Good ol' Aussies. :lol:
-
On New Year's Eve, Alan was in no shape to drive home from the High & Dry so he sensibly left his i30 in the car park and walked home.
As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?" asked the police officer.
"I'm on my way to a lecture," answered Alan
"And who on Earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?" enquired the constable sarcastically.
"My wife," slurred Alan grimly.
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I better call the Bris Vegas Fire Brigade Terry.. You are on fire today :rofl:
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He must've bought a new joke book.... :whistler:
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There's no stopping him now.
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Don't believe the lying toad - I live on the premises...................... :rofl: :rofl:
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Don't believe the lying toad - I live on the premises...................... :rofl: :rofl:
When you're not in Portugal :rofl: :rofl:
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A bloke came up to me in the High & Dry and asked if I was interested in some "bent gear" he had in his car.
Not one to miss the chance of a bargain I followed him to his car, when he opened the boot it was full of bananas, cucumbers & boomerangs.
-
I thought it might have been some suspension arms from the front of an early i30 CRDi :whistler:
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A bloke came up to me in the High & Dry and asked if I was interested in some "bent gear" he had in his car.
Not one to miss the chance of a bargain I followed him to his car, when he opened the boot it was full of bananas, cucumbers & boomerangs.
Is it your bed time yet? :lol:
-
I was at the High & Dry the other night and heard three girls with an overabundance of flesh, talking at the bar.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"
One of them screeched, "It's WALES, you bloody idiot!"
So I apologized and replied,
"I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland ?"
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:rofl:
You have such a way with words and women. :lol:
I take it you went home alone again? :undecided:
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:rofl:
You have such a way with words and women. :lol:
I take it you went home alone again? :undecided:
:whsaid:
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I was in the Hyundrai the other night and Stevie Wonder came in (I know, I know...).
Cindy, one of the barmaids said, "Hy Stevie, what'll you have?"
The next thing he stood up, leaned over the bar and started thrashing his white cane around and knocked all the drinks off the bar, all the glasses smashed, all the liqueurs gone, spirits gone, beers gone, everything.
A hell of a commotion.
The whole pub went deathly quiet as everyone stopped talking and turned around to see what was happening.
"What did you do that for?" asked Cindy, the barmaid.
He said, "Just looking."
(Well, it's kinder than the one with the guide dog. We don't want any animals injured in the High & Dry).
-
Paddy staggered out of a the High and Dry and runs into Father O'Reilly and Father Flannagan.
Paddy runs up to them and says, "I'm Jesus Christ."
Father O'Reilly says, "No, Paddy, you're not Jesus Christ.".
So Paddy says to Father Flannagan,. "But I am. I'm Jesus Christ!"
Father Flannagan replies, "No, son, Jesus Christ is in Heaven."
Paddy says, "Look, I can prove it."
He walks back into the High and Dry with the priests.
Alan takes one look at Paddy and exclaims,
"Jesus Christ!! You're here again!"
-
........er........er.......... :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
-
Seamus came into the High and Dry one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.
"Feeling very concerned for one of his regulars, Alan enquired, "Who gave those beauties to you?"
"Nobody gave them to me," replied Seamus . "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."
-
"Nobody gave them to me," replied Seamus . "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."
:lol: :goodjob:
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An old couple walks into the High & Dry , and the husband goes over and starts flirting with some young women.
Alan says to the wife, "Doesn't it bother you that your husband is always making passes at the younger women around here?"
"No, no, not really," the wife says. "I mean, dogs chase cars, but that doesn't mean they know how to drive."
-
:Ouch: Cutting.
-
I have had to call the fire brigade to get Paddy off the pub roof.
It transpires that the barmaid told him the drinks were on the house.
-
The other day in the breakfast room of the pub I saw a very disconsolate young man looking for a shoulder to cry on. I recognised him as the honeymooner who had checked in the previous night and asked him why he looked so upset.
The lad explained that he had planned everything to be just perfect. He arranged to stay in the Honeymoon Suite of our pub because he had heard that it had a heart shaped bed. He and his new bride had eagerly jumped into the bed to make love for the first time (at least for him) and after making wild and passionate love for a considerable length of time, they both slipped into a state of utmost relaxation. At this point, the groom had reached for the telephone.
"What are you are doing darling?" his young bride had asked.
"Honey, I wanted everything to be perfect, so I thought I should call the bar and ask them to bring up a bottle of their finest champagne," he had replied.
"Well, I used to date the golfer Tiger Woods, and when Tiger and I finished making love we would wait 10 minutes and make love again," the young groom was informed.
"If that's what you are used to, I will be glad to comply..." And 10 minutes or so later the young couple were making wild and passionate love again. At the culmination of this second lovemaking session, the young groom had reached for the phone once again...
"What on earth do you think you are doing?" asked the young bride.
"Like I said before, its a special occasion, I was calling room service for that bottle of champagne."
"Well, Tiger and I would relax for 15 minutes, and then make love a third time," came her reply.
So, once again, not wanting to disappoint his young bride, the groom relaxed a bit and was eventually capable of making love a third time. After this third wild, passionate and somewhat time consuming session, the couple finally reached the climactic moment and returned to a relaxed state. Once again, the groom reached for the phone....
"Put the phone down, I’ll tell you when I’m ready for champagne” she had said
"I’m not calling for champagne” he retorted “I’m phoning Tiger Woods to find out the par for this hole!"
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Sounds like par 5 :Shocked: :goodjob2: :rofl:
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:lol: :goodjob:
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:rofl:
I heard the other day that Tiger and his wife might be looking at getting back together again.
That will save him a lot of money if he's able to pull that one off.
-
I have received a letter from a Swedish lass called Olga who is looking for a bar job. She has enclosed a photo with her CV.
I was wondering whether we would get more visitors to the Pub thread and more contributions if I was to give her one...... :whistler:
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v308/AlanHo1937/i30%20Forum/Daft%20Pictures/Olga_zps92c288ef.jpg)
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I wonder if it will get the paws up from Melvin when he pops in for his cheese tostie...
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And you take me to task over my term of phrase, Alan. :lol:
Yes, go ahead. Give her one. ;)
It seems she already knows how to handle the jugs.
The rest we can teach her as she goes.
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Do you need more bar staff?
I do indeed need an extra barman because of the increase in customers we are getting. However, anyone thinking of applying for the barman vacancy should note that I now only employ married men - singles are disqualified. This is because I prefer employees who are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut, and don't pout when I yell at them.
I was going to apply,good sober worker,don't drink and I am married,I can obey orders,only problem is I don't like being shoved around,I tend to shove back,Oh!I can't keep my mouth shut either,plus if someone yells at me I tend to yell back,sometimes witha back hander,so maybe I won't apply,I'll just have a diet coke and a pie floater topped with dead horse thanks.
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Rick / Swedish lass, don't like your chances Rick. :rofl:
Too bad, trade has dropped off a lot since the owner has taken permanent residence in the HOS. It's just not the same atmosphere any more. :( :fum:
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I'd order two beers from her, and make her carry one in each hand. She'd get a tip!! (And maybe a pointer as well)
-
She does seem a little shy.... :undecided:
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I'd order two beers from her, and make her carry one in each hand. She'd get a tip!! (And maybe a pointer as well)
She is rather titillating
-
I'd order two beers from her, and make her carry one in each hand. She'd get a tip!! (And maybe a pointer as well)
If she could keep abreast of that little challenge I reckon she'd be worth keeping.
-
Paddy is walking home from the High & Dry on Friday night, drunk as usual and smacks into a tree.
Paddy backs up a few paces, and walks into the tree again. He does it again and again.
Finally, Paddy mumbles, "Tis just fooking great dis is. I was supposed to be home hours ago, and now here I am, lost in a fooking forest!"
-
After a few pints down at the High & Dry, talk got round to who had the most expensive watch. I showed mine first.
"That's a Rolex Oyster, worth two and a half grand," I grinned.
My mate Bazz smiled and proudly pointed to his wrist.
"This is a white gold Patek Phillipe. I paid the best part of twenty grand for it."
Rick rolled up his sleeve to show his watch.
"What do you think of that then? It cost me £200,000."
Me and Bazz stared a while then I said, "Rick, Thats a Casio."
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-
You can always count on the High & Dry for a good laugh. :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
BTW, who's running the joint while Alan's in the HOS?
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I saw it coming, but :brilliant: :D
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:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :goodjob2:
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After a few pints down at the High & Dry, talk got round to who had the most expensive watch. I showed mine first.
"That's a Rolex Oyster, worth two and a half grand," I grinned.
My mate Bazz smiled and proudly pointed to his wrist.
"This is a white gold Patek Phillipe. I paid the best part of twenty grand for it."
Rick rolled up his sleeve to show his watch.
"What do you think of that then? It cost me £200,000."
Me and Bazz stared a while then I said, "Rick, Thats a Casio."
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So what was his ex wife doing in her sister's bed... :whistler:
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Obviously Tasmanian... :p
-
Obviously Tasmanian... :p
I thought the same thing! :snigger:
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I'd heard the H&D had free wifi. So I was sitting quietly in a corner checking out this forum when a guy walks in with a frog on his head. The bartender asks him "Where did you get that ugly thing"? and the frog says "Would you believe it started as a wart on my a$$"
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I'd heard the H&D had free wifi. So I was sitting quietly in a corner checking out this forum when a guy walks in with a frog on his head. The bartender asks him "Where did you get that ugly thing"? and the frog says "Would you believe it started as a wart on my a$$"
:judges:
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I saw it coming, but :brilliant: :D
That's exactly what Monica said. :)
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I'm still there surfing like mad, checking out the talent shows thread. Then a woman and a duck walk into the bar. The bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig." The woman says, "That's not a pig, that's a duck." He says, "I was talking to the duck."
Someone should talk to that guy about his approach with the customers.
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Its getting close to time to head home and would you believe it a pirate walks in with a ship's steering-wheel attached to the front of his pants. The bartender says, "You know you got a ship's steering wheel stuck to the front of your pants?" The pirate says, "Arrr, it's drivin' me nuts.
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:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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:Shocked: :snigger: :honk:
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I've been watching two guys drinking at the bar with a Giraffe until the giraffe finally passes out on the floor. The two guys never even notice as they finish their drinks and head out the door.
Then, the bartender yells,"You're not gonna leave that lyin' on the floor, are ya..?"
Hearing that, one spins around and says,"THAT AIN'T A 'LION', IT'S A GIRAFFE..!"
http://www.youtube.com/v/bcYppAs6ZdI
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:groan: :(
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What have you had today Keith? Can you send me some :happydance:
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An E-flat, a G-flat, and a B-flat walked into the pub.
I advised the bartender to tell them that we don't serve minors.
-
And did he a-chord with that? :whistler:
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One of our part time evening barmen called Paddy is continually the butt of the staff’s cruel humour. They tease him awfully about all sorts of things – I am sure they are convinced that the poor boy is not ‘all there’.
Their favourite trick is to offer him two coins, a ten pence piece and a twenty pence piece - he always takes and pockets the ten pence piece - perhaps because it is bigger. Some Australian holidaymakers who come into the bar regularly have joined in the banter by offering him an Australian dollar and two dollar coin – and Paddy took the dollar coin. They did this three nights in a row.
I caught them at it again last evening and called Paddy over to ask him why he always took the bigger coin and didn’t he realise that the smaller one was worth more.
Paddy says, “Of course I do, but if I take that coin they will stop doing it every day”.
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I saw that coming (but I like his thinking) :goodjob:
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Inspirational. I should try that. I can easily pass for an idiot. :D
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Inspirational. I should try that. I can easily pass for an idiot. :D
Funny man, Gonz. :rofl: :rofl:
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Inspirational. I should try that. I can easily pass for an idiot. :D
Is there a medal for that? :D
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Yes, it's the newly released Air Force Ground Combat Badge. :rolleyes: :lol:
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Yes, it's the newly released Air Force Ground Combat Badge. :rolleyes: :lol:
:happydance: :goodjob:
-
.
Paddy says, “Of course I do, but if I take that coin they will stop doing it every day”.
May be irish but not stupid
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An E-flat, a G-flat, and a B-flat walked into the pub.
I advised the bartender to tell them that we don't serve minors.
Should have used a G-string.
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I've just popped back into the H&D for some quiet time and I notice a guy at the bar with a drink looking confused. After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice.
"Hey mister! Nice pants!" it says.
He looks around, doesn’t see anything, and quickly shrugs it off. After a little bit, he takes another sip and hears the voice again.
“Hey mister! Sweet shoes!”
Again, he looks around, sees nothing but a bartender who is busy attending to other customers. Shaking his head, he sips once more.
“Hey mister! Cool shirt!”
He puts down his drink, frustrated at this phantom voice, and signals to the bartender, who comes over.
“Hey barkeep,” he begins, “what is that high-pitched voice I keep hearing?”
“Oh, those are the peanuts,” he replies. “They’re complimentary.”
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Can't decide :groan: or :rofl:,,,,,, :rofl: :goodjob2:
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He was in the bar 2 years ago - and fell for it again.................... :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
https://www.i30ownersclub.com/forum/index.php?topic=11825.msg130786#msg130786 (https://www.i30ownersclub.com/forum/index.php?topic=11825.msg130786#msg130786)
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Can't decide :groan: or :rofl:,,,,,, :rofl: :goodjob2:
:whsaid:
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Tough room.
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Sorry, Keith, I had no trouble deciding..... :disapp: and :groan:
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I wonder if you can ask for derogatory nuts? :undecided:
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You called? :undecided:
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:rofl:
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You called? :undecided:
You sure know your place.......... :rofl: :rofl:
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You called? :undecided:
I've just popped back into the H&D for some quiet time and I notice a guy at the bar with a drink looking confused. After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice.
"Hey mister! Where's the WD40?" it says...
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Having trouble getting past the oxidised pendulous fasteners? :whistler:
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Stop picking on me! :P
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Stop picking on me! :P
while their picking on you there leaving me alone :whistler: not that I ever upset anyone
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neither do I! :P
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neither do I! :P
Fair call (it's anyseveral) :snigger:
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"Hey mister! Where's the WD40?" it says...
?? What did i miss??
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:whistler:
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It must be an Aussie thing - I don't get it either
I s'pose this confession will sponsor suggestions about thick pommies.... :whistler:
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"Hey mister! Where's the WD40?" it says...
?? What did i miss??
I guess it is because you would use WD40 on Rusty Nuts if they were giving you trouble?
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Naaah i'd use a sledge hammer.
That way they will never be trouble again
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Three strings walk into the bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here!"
They go outside and one of the strings messes up his hair and ties himself up. He walks back inside and the bartender says, "Aren't you one of those strings I just got rid of?"
The string says, "I'm a frayed knot!"
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Three strings walk into the bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here!"
They go outside and one of the strings messes up his hair and ties himself up. He walks back inside and the bartender says, "Aren't you one of those strings I just got rid of?"
The string says, "I'm a frayed knot!"
Some might :groan: but I really liked it :judges:
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I'm a frayed I'd seen it before. :rolleyes:
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Yeah, I was knot entirely sure about it.
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A good yarn though. And in a great thread too.
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It's certainly looming into a classic. You weave a great story, the very fabric of entertainment. :lol:
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:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
You've got me in stitches. :lol:
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When does the pole dancing display start?
Does Alan do that too? :scared:
I don't come from Poland. :kissmyass:
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Pole and ... what? :undecided:
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Luckily, our mate frayed didn't fall over when he went back into the H&D. He would have been a slip knot. :faint:
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Luckily, our mate frayed didn't fall over when he went back into the H&D. He would have been a slip knot. :faint:
:Agoodjob: :Yeah:
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If the string was old and female it was probably a granny knot.
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If we keep trying for more we might hit a hitch. :whistler:
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Frayed is married though, so he is officially a Husband knot. ;)
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Surely to be admitted to the H&D he'd have to be a beer knot (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beer_knot). :eek:
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For some reason there's meat hanging from the ceiling. A guy walks into the H&D and says ” hey bartender, I’ll bet you a $100 bucks I can jump up and grab some meat from that ceiling”. The bartender says, “I don’t know man, them steaks are pretty high”.
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I'll be the first one to :groan:
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Paddy was out of work, I felt sorry for him and gave him the job of part time barman
This guy came into the bar and Paddy asked him “Can I get you a drink”
The guy says “yes please”
Paddy “That will be three pounds” and downed his beer in one long thirsty swig.
Guy “I’m not paying for it – you offered me a drink – and when you are offered a drink you are most certainly not expected to pay”
Paddy “Then bugger off – you aren’t having one”
The next night the guy goes back to the pub and Paddy asked him to leave “I’m not serving you after what you did last night”
Guy “I don’t know what you are talking about – I most certainly wasn’t in here last night”
Paddy “Then you must have a double”
Guy “Thanks very much – make it a whisky”
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Very good Alan :goodjob:
I'll have one too... :D
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Paddy and Mick were in the H&D Tavern after hours scrubbing the floor.
Paddy says, "Wears the soap"
Mick replies, "Yeah"
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:rolleyes:
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Paddy and Mick were in the H&D Tavern after hours scrubbing the floor.
Paddy says, "Wears the soap"
Mick replies, "Yeah"
That one reminds me of Sister Mary and Sister Grace alone at night in the convent dormitory.
"Where's the candle?” asks Sister Mary.
"Only if you go too fast" replied Sister Grace.
:-[ :faint:
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I was chatting with a H&D regular I hadn't seen about in a while. I asked him where he had been.
He said: "I’ve been out of commission for awhile as I was beaten up by a woman! I was in an elevator when this busty lady got in. I was staring at her boobs as one would, when she said, "Would you please press 1?"
So I did.
I don't remember much afterwards but the doctor says I should be fully recovered in a few weeks."
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:rofl:
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I was chatting with another local, an old man who lived alone. He was saying he digs his his potato garden at this time of year, but he is getting on and its very hard work. His only son who would have helped him was in prison. So I asked if he needed a hand.
He thanked me for the offer and explained that he wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation:
Dear Son,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden because your mother always loved planting time. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren’t in prison.
Shortly, the old man received a message in the post: ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up the garden!! That’s where I buried the GUNS!!’
At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what had happened, and asked him what to do next.
His son’s reply was: ‘Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It’s the best I could do for you, from here.’
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I was chatting with a H&D regular I hadn't seen about in a while. I asked him where he had been.
He said: "I’ve been out of commission for awhile as I was beaten up by a woman! I was in an elevator when this busty lady got in. I was staring at her boobs as one would, when she said, "Would you please press 1?"
So I did.
I don't remember much afterwards but the doctor says I should be fully recovered in a few weeks."
Would have been worse if it had been me.. I would have asked if she was going down ... :whistler: :snigger:
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I was chatting with a H&D regular I hadn't seen about in a while. I asked him where he had been.
He said: "I’ve been out of commission for awhile as I was beaten up by a woman! I was in an elevator when this busty lady got in. I was staring at her boobs as one would, when she said, "Would you please press 1?"
So I did.
I don't remember much afterwards but the doctor says I should be fully recovered in a few weeks."
Would have been worse if it had been me.. I would have asked if she was going down ... :whistler: :snigger:
Because you were going up.
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I was chatting with a H&D regular I hadn't seen about in a while. I asked him where he had been.
He said: "I’ve been out of commission for awhile as I was beaten up by a woman! I was in an elevator when this busty lady got in. I was staring at her boobs as one would, when she said, "Would you please press 1?"
So I did.
I don't remember much afterwards but the doctor says I should be fully recovered in a few weeks."
Would have been worse if it had been me.. I would have asked if she was going down ... :whistler: :snigger:
Ahh!
That timeless line from "Grasshopper". :goodjob:
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I was chatting with another local, an old man who lived alone. He was saying he digs his his potato garden at this time of year, but he is getting on and its very hard work. His only son who would have helped him was in prison. So I asked if he needed a hand.
He thanked me for the offer and explained that he wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation:
Dear Son,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden because your mother always loved planting time. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren’t in prison.
Shortly, the old man received a message in the post: ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up the garden!! That’s where I buried the GUNS!!’
At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what had happened, and asked him what to do next.
His son’s reply was: ‘Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It’s the best I could do for you, from here.’
This one seems to "crop" up every couple of years.... :lol:
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I'm telling you the H&D regulars I talk to are not very inventive.
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Two rather gorgeous girls came into the lounge bar and I noticed that one of them kept glancing at me.
Fortunately I had got my hearings aids turned up on turbo boost and was able to hear her whisper to her friend "nine"
I was rather chuffed and said to our barmaid that I obviously hadn't lost my touch with the ladies - that gorgeous girl over there has just rated me nine out of ten.
She said "I don't want to spoil it for you - but when I served them drinks - they were speaking German"................... :cray:
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:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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:goodjob2: What he's doing ↑
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:brilliant: :ta:
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I overheard this couple arguing loudly at the bar. They had got into an argument about who enjoys sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this:
When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out! Which feels better-your ear or your finger?"
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I overheard this couple arguing loudly at the bar. They had got into an argument about who enjoys sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this:
When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out! Which feels better-your ear or your finger?"
:brilliant:
Mind you, I try not to put mine anywhere that is itchy! :eek:
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That should go on to say, But .... Your finger is constantly erect .