The High and Dry Tavern

meehalych · **Reply #270: June 14, 2012, 16:58:46**

Quote from: Ugly Mongrel on June 14, 2012, 13:29:14

Can you believe this?

Three vampires walked into the High and Dry.

The bartender asks the first one "What'll ya have"?

The first vampire says: "I vant some bluud".

Disgusted, the bartender looks at the next vampire and says, "What about you"?

The second vampire says "I vant some bluud".

Ready to throw them all out, the bartender looks at the third vampire and says: "I suppose you want blood too"?

The third vampire says: "No, I'll just have plasma...bluud lite"

give them blood diluted with holy water

Dazzler · **Reply #271: June 14, 2012, 22:13:18**

That's pretty funny Terry

Ugly Mongrel · **Reply #272: June 18, 2012, 10:48:43**

The town drunk had been thrown out of the High & Dry dozens of time so he sent his young son to fetch him some gin.

The boy told Alan's bartender that his dad wanted some gin.

Alan's bartender, winking at his customers, said, "There are three kinds of gin, hydrogin, nitrogin, and oxygin. Which kind does your dad want?"

The boy said he didn't know but would go ask. The bar patrons had a good laugh at bartender's cleverness.

The boy returned and Alan's bartender said, "What did your Dad say?"

The boy replied, "My dad said to tell you that there are three kinds of turds, musturd, custurd, and you, you big sh*t".

Doggie 1 · **Reply #273: June 18, 2012, 10:52:38**

It could be on tomorrow night then ......

Shambles · **Reply #274: June 18, 2012, 10:59:24**

That boy. I like him already

Ugly Mongrel · **Reply #275: June 18, 2012, 11:26:49**

Quote from: Shambles™ on June 18, 2012, 10:59:24

That boy. I like him already

I think his name might be Johnny

eye30 · **Reply #276: June 18, 2012, 16:38:30**

I wonder whether he will get to his turdith birthday

Ugly Mongrel · **Reply #277: June 28, 2012, 13:15:27**

Whilst having a tipple this evening, I noticed a rather scruffy looking chap walk into the bar.

He ordered four shots of the most expensive 30-year-old single malt Scotch whisky and downs them one after the other.

Alan's bartender says, "You seem to be in a great hurry.x

The scruffy bloke says, "You would be too if you had what I have."

Quite concerned, Alan's bartender asks, "What have you got?"

" Fifty pence", came the reply.

eye30 · **Reply #278: June 28, 2012, 13:31:25**

Groan..

I said that once but the bar staff didn't see the funny side of the jest.

Doggie 1 · **Reply #279: June 30, 2012, 13:16:30**

Ugly Mongrel · **Reply #280: June 30, 2012, 13:28:06**

db80 and Ugly Mongrel were sitting at the bar, having a quiet pint, when someone mentioned politics....then all hell broke loose.

Doggie 1 · **Reply #281: June 30, 2012, 13:31:50**

I'll 'ave a 'alf

Doggie 1 · **Reply #282: June 30, 2012, 13:53:05**

Anyhow, the last time I was in the High & Dry, I overheard this professional dance teacher who'd finished dinner and was trying to teach this young guy how to dance.
He was having all sorts of trouble (he didn't seem to be too bright).
In the end she got a bit annoyed with him and said, "Look Craig, you're a Labor MP and this is how you do the ALP dance. It's not that hard. Even you could do this. All you have to do is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step, side-step and turn around."

Surferdude · **Reply #283: July 01, 2012, 08:27:36**

And Craig replied, "why can't we just do Rock Scissors Paper like we normally do when developing policy"?

AlanHo · **Reply #284: July 01, 2012, 14:33:39**

A Dyslexic man walked into our our bra today...........................

Doggie 1 · **Reply #285: July 02, 2012, 01:16:15**

Did he order a weni?
He should stick with a XXXX.
He'd have less trouble with that.

AlanHo · **Reply #286: July 02, 2012, 23:25:46**

We put up a sign in our restaurant that read “Unique All-Day Breakfast” to try and attract more business during the credit crunch.

A guy came in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.

“What’s your ‘Unique Breakfast?’” he asked.

“Baked tongue of chicken with salad,” she replied.

“Baked tongue of chicken?… Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken’s mouth!” he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, “What would you like then?”

“Just bring me scrambled eggs,” the man replied.
]

Doggie 1 · **Reply #287: July 03, 2012, 01:11:27**

He would have had to shell out a bit for that breakfast.

rustynutz · **Reply #288: July 03, 2012, 01:35:45**

Quote from: AlanHo on July 02, 2012, 23:25:46

We put up a sign in our restaurant that read “Unique All-Day Breakfast” to try and attract more business during the credit crunch.

A guy came in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.

“What’s your ‘Unique Breakfast?’” he asked.

“Baked tongue of chicken with salad,” she replied.

“Baked tongue of chicken?… Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken’s mouth!” he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, “What would you like then?”

“Just bring me scrambled eggs,” the man replied.
]

Surferdude · **Reply #289: July 03, 2012, 06:54:50**

Where did you poach that joke from?

Phil №❶ · **Reply #290: July 03, 2012, 08:54:16**

Very funny yolk

Doggie 1 · **Reply #291: July 03, 2012, 08:56:19**

He heard it while he was away on hollandaise.

Dazzler · **Reply #292: July 03, 2012, 11:09:27**

I think it is an eggageration and quite hard to swallow

Doggie 1 · **Reply #293: July 03, 2012, 11:12:10**

That's a poultry excuse.

rustynutz · **Reply #294: July 03, 2012, 12:12:20**

You guys crack me up!

Doggie 1 · **Reply #295: July 03, 2012, 12:20:41**

Glad you could "pluck" up the courage to post, Rusty.

For a while there I thought you were too chicken.

eye30 · **Reply #296: July 03, 2012, 12:42:28**

Question:

Why is an egg tapered at one end?

rustynutz · **Reply #297: July 03, 2012, 13:05:04**

Quote from: db08 on July 03, 2012, 12:20:41

Glad you could "pluck" up the courage to post, Rusty.
For a while there I thought you were too chicken.

I was spurred on....normally the jokes in the H & D are too fowl for me...

Doggie 1 · **Reply #298: July 03, 2012, 13:09:13**

Quote from: eye30 on July 03, 2012, 12:42:28

Question:

Why is an egg tapered at one end?

In case it needs to be put back to cock a bit longer.

Surferdude · **Reply #299: July 04, 2012, 01:03:36**

Quote from: db08 on July 03, 2012, 13:09:13

Quote from: eye30 on July 03, 2012, 12:42:28
Question:

Why is an egg tapered at one end?

In case it needs to be put back to cock a bit longer.

I hope you meant to type "cook"