[rustynutz]

He must've bought a new joke book....

[Doggie 1]

There's no stopping him now.

[AlanHo]

Don't believe the lying toad - I live on the premises......................

[Ugly Mongrel]

Don't believe the lying toad - I live on the premises......................

When you're not in Portugal

[Ugly Mongrel]

A bloke came up to me in the High & Dry and asked if I was interested in some "bent gear" he had in his car.

Not one to miss the chance of a bargain I followed him to his car, when he opened the boot it was full of bananas, cucumbers & boomerangs.

[Dazzler]

I thought it might have been some suspension arms from the front of an early i30 CRDi 

[Doggie 1]

A bloke came up to me in the High & Dry and asked if I was interested in some "bent gear" he had in his car.

Not one to miss the chance of a bargain I followed him to his car, when he opened the boot it was full of bananas, cucumbers & boomerangs.

Is it your bed time yet? 

[Ugly Mongrel]

I was at the High & Dry  the other night and heard three girls with an overabundance of flesh, talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"

One of them screeched, "It's WALES, you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied,

"I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland ?"

[Doggie 1]

 
You have such a way with words and women. 
I take it you went home alone again? 

[Dazzler]

You have such a way with words and women. 
I take it you went home alone again? 

 

[Doggie 1]

I was in the Hyundrai the other night and Stevie Wonder came in (I know, I know...).
Cindy, one of the barmaids said, "Hy Stevie, what'll you have?"
The next thing he stood up, leaned over the bar and started thrashing his white cane around and knocked all the drinks off the bar, all the glasses smashed, all the liqueurs gone, spirits gone, beers gone, everything.
A hell of a commotion.
The whole pub went deathly quiet as everyone stopped talking and turned around to see what was happening.
"What did you do that for?" asked Cindy, the barmaid.
He said, "Just looking."

(Well, it's kinder than the one with the guide dog. We don't want any animals injured in the High & Dry).

[Ugly Mongrel]

Paddy staggered out of a the High and Dry and runs into Father O'Reilly and Father Flannagan.

Paddy runs up to them and says, "I'm Jesus Christ."

 Father O'Reilly says, "No, Paddy, you're not Jesus Christ.".

So Paddy says  to Father Flannagan,. "But I am. I'm Jesus Christ!"

 Father Flannagan replies, "No, son, Jesus Christ is in Heaven."

Paddy says, "Look, I can prove it."

 He walks back into the High and Dry with the priests.

Alan takes one look at Paddy and exclaims,

"Jesus Christ!! You're here again!"

[AlanHo]

........er........er..........

[Ugly Mongrel]

Seamus came into the High and Dry one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.

"Feeling very concerned for one of his regulars, Alan enquired, "Who gave those beauties to you?"

"Nobody gave them to me," replied Seamus . "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."

[Dazzler]

"Nobody gave them to me," replied Seamus . "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."

 

[Ugly Mongrel]

An old couple walks into the High & Dry , and the husband goes over and starts flirting with some young women.

Alan says to the wife, "Doesn't it bother you that your husband is always making passes at the younger women around here?"

"No, no, not really," the wife says. "I mean, dogs chase cars, but that doesn't mean they know how to drive."

[Doggie 1]

   Cutting.

[AlanHo]

I have had to call the fire brigade to get Paddy off the pub roof.

It transpires that the barmaid told him the drinks were on the house.

[AlanHo]

The other day in the breakfast room of the pub I saw a very disconsolate young man looking for a shoulder to cry on. I recognised him as the honeymooner who had checked in the previous night and asked him why he looked so upset.
 
The lad explained that he had planned everything to be just perfect. He arranged to stay in the Honeymoon Suite of our pub because he had heard that it had a heart shaped bed. He and his new bride had eagerly jumped into the bed to make love for the first time (at least for him) and after making wild and passionate love for a considerable length of time, they both slipped into a state of utmost relaxation. At this point, the groom had reached for the telephone.

"What are you are doing darling?" his young bride had asked.

"Honey, I wanted everything to be perfect, so I thought I should call the bar and ask them to bring up a bottle of their finest champagne," he had replied.

"Well, I used to date the golfer Tiger Woods, and when Tiger and I finished making love we would wait 10 minutes and make love again," the young groom was informed.

"If that's what you are used to, I will be glad to comply..." And 10 minutes or so later the young couple were making wild and passionate love again. At the culmination of this second lovemaking session, the young groom had reached for the phone once again...

"What on earth do you think you are doing?" asked the young bride.
 
"Like I said before, its a special occasion, I was calling room service for that bottle of champagne."

"Well, Tiger and I would relax for 15 minutes, and then make love a third time," came her reply.

So, once again, not wanting to disappoint his young bride, the groom relaxed a bit and was eventually capable of making love a third time. After this third wild, passionate and somewhat time consuming session, the couple finally reached the climactic moment and returned to a relaxed state. Once again, the groom reached for the phone....

"Put the phone down, I’ll tell you when I’m ready for champagne” she had said

"I’m not calling for champagne”  he retorted  “I’m phoning Tiger Woods to find out the par for this hole!"

[Phil №❶]

Sounds like par 5 

[rustynutz]

 

[Doggie 1]

 

I heard the other day that Tiger and his wife might be looking at getting back together again.

That will save him a lot of money if he's able to pull that one off.

[AlanHo]

I have received a letter from a Swedish lass called Olga who is looking for a bar job. She has enclosed a photo with her CV.

I was wondering whether we would get more visitors to the Pub thread and more contributions if I was to give her one......

[eye30]

I wonder if it will get the paws up from Melvin when he pops in for his cheese tostie...

[Doggie 1]

And you take me to task over my term of phrase, Alan. 
Yes, go ahead. Give her one. 
It seems she already knows how to handle the jugs.
The rest we can teach her as she goes.

[Just Rick]

Do you need more bar staff?

I do indeed need an extra barman because of the increase in customers we are getting. However, anyone thinking of applying for the barman vacancy should note that I now only employ married men - singles are disqualified.  This is because I prefer employees who are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut, and don't pout when I yell at them.

I was going to apply,good sober worker,don't drink and I am married,I can obey orders,only problem is I don't like being shoved around,I tend to shove back,Oh!I can't keep my mouth shut either,plus if someone yells at me I tend to yell back,sometimes witha back hander,so maybe I won't apply,I'll just have a diet coke and a pie floater topped with dead horse thanks.

[Phil №❶]

Rick / Swedish lass, don't like your chances Rick. 

Too bad, trade has dropped off a lot since the owner has taken permanent residence in the HOS. It's just not the same atmosphere any more. 

[FatBoy]

I'd order two beers from her, and make her carry one in each hand. She'd get a tip!! (And maybe a pointer as well)

[rustynutz]

She does seem a little shy....

[Surferdude]

I'd order two beers from her, and make her carry one in each hand. She'd get a tip!! (And maybe a pointer as well)

She is rather titillating